Step-By-Step Unorthodox Cold Remedy

It’s that time of year again.

What am I referring to? Slush season? The time when all of the squirrels come out to rummage through our garbages? The highest proportion of shame eating pre-bikini-dieting?

Well, all of the above. But mostly I was referring to cold season.

If you’re wondering why I haven’t done a video blog in 2 or more weeks, NO – I haven’t stopped attempting to show you my face that easily. You’ll have to start writing messages in lipstick on my bathroom mirror before I’ll cease that action. My face simply looks like Rudolph the Reindeer if he developed a coke problem.

I need some Puffs with lotion action. But isn’t that the life of a broke student for you? I’m taking out my sinus frustrations on Costco 2-ply toilet paper.

I had to take a three hour train ride this weekend and let me tell you, it was more similar to Hell than the last time you ate Taco Bell. Ahhh, memories. This poor old woman had to sit beside me while I made my way through an entire purse-sized Kleenex and proceeded to blow my nose on her shoulder. Am I joking? You’ll never know.

If you’re like me, you’ve most likely suffered from this God forsaken illness in the past few weeks. If you’re close to me, it’s probably because I gave you a loving, drunk cheek-kiss or offered you some of my beverage without informing you that I was sick.

MY BAD!

To make it up to you, I’ve come up with a list of solutions to ease your sniffling and coughing pain. No, I’m not going to suggest you take Buckley’s (it tastes awful, I don’t give a fuck if it works). I’m not going to tell you to get more sleep, take Vitamin C and a steam bath. I like to treat myself using more unorthodox methods.

Are you uneasy? You should be.

First thing’s first: KG’s Cold Survival Kit

1. Whiskey
2. A shot glass
3. Lysol Wipes
4. Kleenex
5. Unscented lotion
6. Wool socks
7. Several duvets
8. A personal masseuse
9. Candles
10. Cell phone (with wifi or data capabilities)

Take these ten items and carefully bring them with you to a confined space where you can be alone for several hours without concern. If you’re one of those people who like to eat, bring a can of Alphagetti with you or something. Light some whiskey on a spoon and cook it in your room like a real caveman. This cold remedy is for tough cookies only, no pussies allowed.

Enter your cave. Lysol wipe everything. Ain’t nobody got time for dust on this healing trip.

Set your duvets up in something resembling a blanket fort. I shouldn’t have to explain why, but if you’re wondering, it’s necessary because blanket forts are awesome. Get out your shot glass and pour yourself shot number 1. Whiskey not only kills bacteria, it comes in with a badass gun wearing a dirty cowboy hat (imagine Christian Bale in 3:10 to Yuma) and shoots each individual bacterium in the heart.

You may be looking curiously at the wool socks. Put them on your feet.

It’s now time for shot number 2. Finished? Good. Chase it with your Alphagetti and invite your personal masseuse into your blanket fort.

I imagine it was probably difficult to find a masseuse that was comfortable with this set-up, so if you got him off of Craigslist and he looks homeless, feel free to either Lysol wipe him or send him on his way. Or both. If you got lucky, congrats! Massages rock.

Now with your remaining four to five hours, and cold survival ingredients, you realistically have nothing left do but take shots of whiskey and incessantly complain over social media. Even if people are scrolling past your “OMG I think I just coughed up Nicole Richie” tweets, it’s nice to believe some people are reading and caring.

But yeah, they’re probably not. Soon enough you’ll be too drunk to care anyways!

Take it sleazy,

KG