Willpower: Apparently I Have Some

My friends, it’s been a long journey. But I’ve finally made it to 30 days with absolutely no drinking or other… related behaviours.

Say what?! You heard me. Suck it, societal norms.

I’d just like to give a shout-out to my n-words who bought me cran-sodas at the bar and told me I was fun without alcohol. Because I am. Quite possibly even more fun.

Needless to say I’ve learned a few things about myself and other people in the last month and I’d like to share them with you via words. I’ll just let them flow out of my fingertips filter-free starting…..nnnnow.

1. RED BULL is not an equivalent to drinking. Yes, it gets you hyped up and you feel like dancing all night but so does cocaine and cocaine is certainly not good for you. I regretted it as soon as 4:30 am rolled around and I was lying in my bed practically convulsing with energy. “Maybe I’ll just not sleep and go to the gym in an hour?” I thought to myself. This thought was immediately followed by a ‘crash’ that would put the god damn movie Crash to shame. Sorry, Sandra Bullock. I slept for days and dreamt of sword-fighting on unicorns. Never again.
2. People really don’t like hearing that you’re doing sober things. I received several text messages asking what was up for the night and I slowly learned that people do NOT respond when you tell them you’re playing Scrabble. And ask them to join, because your cat doesn’t know how to spell.
3. Ordering cranberry sodas at the bar makes you feel very, very pregnant. The bartender nods and turns away, just to turn back and repeat your order. Wait. You don’t want… *looks down at stomach, back up to face* Sure, sure. Coming up.
4. And on that note, what the fuck is with the size difference between non-alcoholic and alcoholic drinks? You order a bar rail drink and they give you a tiny ass six ounce cup and fill it – over-flowingly – with ice, three-quarters full with liquor and then a minuscule amount of your choice of mix.  But then you order the same thing sans alcohol and they give you the biggest cup they have in the restaurant, sometimes a pail if it suits them, and little to no ice. Like, thank you, I did want to look 12 years old tonight! I’m so glad you could help me with that. Hmm, it’s almost as if they don’t want you to come back to the bar and order another $2 drink. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.
5. Drunk people do not respect your personal space. I think that’s a given, and almost everyone knows it. But one thing you should refrain from doing is telling them politely to respect it. I swear, you tell one guy to take his arm off your shoulder and a hush falls over the entire bar. Everyone looks over. Did she just do that? That poor guy, he was just trying to be drunk. What an insensitive bitch. LESSON LEARNED, just walk away.
6. Some people will stick around, some people won’t. I kind of expected that. But the weirdest thing about it all is finding out who is purely uncomfortable socializing with someone who’s not fucked up. I was totally fine after a few weeks with going out (to some places) while my friends were drinking around me. But then you run into people who literally do not know how to have a conversation with someone who’s not on that level. You’re going to have challenges later in life if that’s a problem you’re facing.
7. I LOST SO MUCH STOMACH WEIGHT. Almost a big enough reason to continue not drinking on it’s own. But I gotta add wine back into the mix.

Biggest lesson learned is that I increased my happiness tenfold. I can wake up early, eat well, treat my body well. I get the lure but I had too much trouble resisting it, so the step back helped. Thirty days might not be a lot in the big picture, but man did it change my perspective on a lot of things.

So with that done, I’m moving on to my next challenge. Thirty days eating paleo. It can’t be too hard if I’m allowed to eat bacon.

xx

KG

LifeHack [Alternatives]: The Homeless Edition

After a particularly boring day of searching the interweb for interesting articles and tidbits to read, I found myself on the “LifeHack” website. If you’ve never been on this site, here’s the rundown:

It’s basically a website where they collect all of the generic things in the entire world that people could possibly agree on and put them into lists. It’s like Buzzfeed without the GIF’s. Shareable, but lame as tits. I found myself unable to leave the website – I was simply drawn into the ridiculousness. The site had lists like “Things You Need to Do In Your Twenties” (which included activities such as a weekend-long bender, attending a music festival, travelling the world and buying an expensive item that will sit in your closet) and “Habits You’re Better Off Without” (where you’d find procrastination, complaining, gossiping, among others).

Thanks LifeHack, but I don’t need a list to tell me I shouldn’t be procrastinating. If lists cured all my problems, well wouldn’t you just be the next Jesus? I’d be travelling around the world on little to no cash (because there’s a list for that) not complaining about a single thing, I’d probably attend every music festival on the face of the planet and thanks to your list about the “20 Most Magnificent Places to Read Books” I’d read the entire Harry Potter series in libraries across the world.

“Okay, we get it,” say the creators of LifeHack. But I’m not done yet.

I discovered after several more hours on the website – like I said, I was entranced – that these lists seem to be directed toward the average middle-to-high income web reader, who is generally 20 to 30 years in age.

What about those who are excluded? Surely homeless people aren’t going to read the “9 Daily Habits That Will Change Your Life” (visualize, define priorities, create a morning routine, drink more water) and think, “wow this is exactly what I need!”

That’s where I got the idea to create LifeHack [Alternatives]: the article for those who aren’t generic, middle-income young adults that enjoy reading lists of things that they already know. Articles that won’t get shared on Facebook and Twitter but on the streets. Or in the public library, or wherever the homeless use the internet.

A Mini-Guide to Living Without a Home

Written by: KG

1. Start Your Bender

First things first – what’s your poison? Commonly abused are alcohol, methamphetamine and heroin as well as prescription medications. Which one do you think you can commit to? Remember, this choice will define the people you will hang around with for the remainder of your life. Choose carefully. Who needs a weekend-long bender when yours can just never end?

2. Pick a Spot, Any Spot

You know the easiest way to convince someone that you ARE in fact homeless, is sticking to one spot. That way, they will pass by you continuously and become convinced that you have made this 2 foot squared spot your “home”.

3. Don’t Resort to Begging

Begging is such a clichéd way to earn your living. Try to get creative with your finances! Some suggestions include fountain diving for change, emptying tip jars into your pockets at your local Starbucks, breaking into Newsstand change boxes and intercepting mail that looks valuable. These are just starting points, so feel free to innovate. The world is your change purse.

4. You Need a Scooter

They come in handy for intercepting packages on the go, stealing Pizza Pizza right out of that drunk college students’ hand, and simply feeling the wind in your hair from time to time.

Plus, all of the coolest homeless people have scooters.

5. Now, You Need a Pet

Nothing stirs empathy in other humans like a pet! And may I suggest a dog? Cats are independent creatures so they will get sick of your shit and go do their own thing. Dogs as a species have also perfected the “puppy-dog eyes” which you’ve been trying to get right for months. Buy a mirror and practice, practice, practice!

6. Get Some Dirtier Shoes

Warm feet are nice, but if you’re sitting on the street wearing a pair of Uggs you’re unlikely to find any change in your cup. I suggest instead investing in a pair of stretchy Walmart-esque slippers and scuffing some holes in the edges. There you go, much better.

Just keep your Uggs in your bag until you have to sleep, and pop ’em on real quick.

7. People LOVE Stories

…So you should start perfecting yours now. Are you saving up for a vacation to Cuba? Or simply just a slice of mouthwatering pizza from the shop around the corner? Are you going to take the honest route? Or the comedic route? Your options are essentially endless. If you’re sick of using your voice to tell people this story, all you need to do is find a scrap of cardboard and make a sign.

“Saving up for a penis enlargement, I’m a bit short”. That’s the best one I’ve heard so far, but feel free to make your own that truly represents you and your goals.

If you have a talent, put it to use. Strum the strings off of that guitar. Sing until you can’t sing anymore. Why would you take classes to perfect your art when you can make mad coin on the sidewalk? With any luck, you’ll become YouTube famous and live a cushioned life forever.

DISCLAIMER: I do not – I repeat, DO NOT – advise anyone to actually follow this guide. I simply hate the LifeHack website and I’m bored before work.

KISSES AND HUGS,

KG

Pre-St. Paddy’s Day Advice For My Little Ones

Well folks, it’s my favourite holiday of the year again. I can celebrate without any guilt or worry for my liver because I am one quarter Irish. That means that one quarter of my liver is dedicated to the ingestion and digestion of whiskey, one of four of my children will be a ginger and I look excellent in any shade of green.

Not only is this party holiday extremely dangerous for those with alcoholic tendencies, it’s entertaining for those who know how to both make the best of the holiday, stretch out their capacity and capture footage on camera or video. I’m here to tell you just how to do that.

Make the best of your holiday:

• Paint yourself. I saw a man today fully painted green with a ginger wig on and a sign that read “World’s Biggest Leprechaun”… it’s the day before St. Patrick’s Day, so clearly he is getting the biggest bang for his buck. I guarantee he will sleep in that costume and wear it tomorrow. RIP Leprechaun sheets.
• Don’t be a pussy. Drink whiskey or beer for at least half of your consumption tomorrow. JD is your best friend for the day. Treat him as such!
• Don’t look for love through those blurry shamrock shaped sunglasses you bought at the dollar store. I promise you, people look 10x less lovely in the light of day than they do through the light of your blinking shamrock glasses. Don’t wake up next to someone and find that out for yourself.
• Keggers are for maximizing beer intake in minimal time. Move around. Do keg stands. Let people pour from bottles into your mouth. Better drunk than sorry, isn’t that the saying? No? Whatever.

Stretch out your capacity:

• I’m all for taking breaks, but don’t take naps. Naps are for old folks and toddlers. Are you in Kindergarten? Wow, well up-top for being able to function a computer and read my blog. If not, put on your drinking socks and stop fantasizing about your pillow. Sleep is only going to make you more tired. 
• Feed yourself regularly. It’s easy enough to forget about meals when you’re busy drinking beer for lunch but your body needs something to digest other than alcohol. Drop by your local pub and ingest some questionable food choices. I suggest anything covered in cheese and bacon, personally. Hey, why not? It’s a holiday.
• Do you have to work on Monday? You don’t now. Guess what friend? You’re calling in sick. Your dog just had a baby. Your grandpa just grew a new kidney and will live to see another beer. Your hair just got stuck inside your car exhaust and you’re busy trying to reach someone who can reach your cell phone. These are all valid excuses that I give you permission to use.
• Make yourself a drinking schedule. Mimosas from 10-12, beer from 12-4, vodka from 4-8 and whiskey from 8-blackout. Cut a half hour every once in a while for water (optional).
• Whatever you do, don’t google your current blood alcohol content.

Record, RECORD, Record:

• Is your friend about to superman dive off the balcony of a kegger? Don’t talk him down, what are you thinking? Get out the highest quality piece of technology that you have on your person and record this disaster. You can call 911 afterwards. A video is worth much more than your friends safety, and might also guarantee him celebrity status for a week.
• One-eyed sleepy friend on the couch at 3 pm deserves it. Take the photo.

I don’t know about you but I’m about to start my St. Paddy’s Day alcohol consumption right this minute. Thirty hours of liver abuse awaits!

See you on the other side,

KG

Step-By-Step Unorthodox Cold Remedy

It’s that time of year again.

What am I referring to? Slush season? The time when all of the squirrels come out to rummage through our garbages? The highest proportion of shame eating pre-bikini-dieting?

Well, all of the above. But mostly I was referring to cold season.

If you’re wondering why I haven’t done a video blog in 2 or more weeks, NO – I haven’t stopped attempting to show you my face that easily. You’ll have to start writing messages in lipstick on my bathroom mirror before I’ll cease that action. My face simply looks like Rudolph the Reindeer if he developed a coke problem.

I need some Puffs with lotion action. But isn’t that the life of a broke student for you? I’m taking out my sinus frustrations on Costco 2-ply toilet paper.

I had to take a three hour train ride this weekend and let me tell you, it was more similar to Hell than the last time you ate Taco Bell. Ahhh, memories. This poor old woman had to sit beside me while I made my way through an entire purse-sized Kleenex and proceeded to blow my nose on her shoulder. Am I joking? You’ll never know.

If you’re like me, you’ve most likely suffered from this God forsaken illness in the past few weeks. If you’re close to me, it’s probably because I gave you a loving, drunk cheek-kiss or offered you some of my beverage without informing you that I was sick.

MY BAD!

To make it up to you, I’ve come up with a list of solutions to ease your sniffling and coughing pain. No, I’m not going to suggest you take Buckley’s (it tastes awful, I don’t give a fuck if it works). I’m not going to tell you to get more sleep, take Vitamin C and a steam bath. I like to treat myself using more unorthodox methods.

Are you uneasy? You should be.

First thing’s first: KG’s Cold Survival Kit

1. Whiskey
2. A shot glass
3. Lysol Wipes
4. Kleenex
5. Unscented lotion
6. Wool socks
7. Several duvets
8. A personal masseuse
9. Candles
10. Cell phone (with wifi or data capabilities)

Take these ten items and carefully bring them with you to a confined space where you can be alone for several hours without concern. If you’re one of those people who like to eat, bring a can of Alphagetti with you or something. Light some whiskey on a spoon and cook it in your room like a real caveman. This cold remedy is for tough cookies only, no pussies allowed.

Enter your cave. Lysol wipe everything. Ain’t nobody got time for dust on this healing trip.

Set your duvets up in something resembling a blanket fort. I shouldn’t have to explain why, but if you’re wondering, it’s necessary because blanket forts are awesome. Get out your shot glass and pour yourself shot number 1. Whiskey not only kills bacteria, it comes in with a badass gun wearing a dirty cowboy hat (imagine Christian Bale in 3:10 to Yuma) and shoots each individual bacterium in the heart.

You may be looking curiously at the wool socks. Put them on your feet.

It’s now time for shot number 2. Finished? Good. Chase it with your Alphagetti and invite your personal masseuse into your blanket fort.

I imagine it was probably difficult to find a masseuse that was comfortable with this set-up, so if you got him off of Craigslist and he looks homeless, feel free to either Lysol wipe him or send him on his way. Or both. If you got lucky, congrats! Massages rock.

Now with your remaining four to five hours, and cold survival ingredients, you realistically have nothing left do but take shots of whiskey and incessantly complain over social media. Even if people are scrolling past your “OMG I think I just coughed up Nicole Richie” tweets, it’s nice to believe some people are reading and caring.

But yeah, they’re probably not. Soon enough you’ll be too drunk to care anyways!

Take it sleazy,

KG

Why Are You Single? How To Answer This Question and More

You might not have guessed this (ha) but I get asked this question all of the time. By my British Grandma. Sometimes by my parents, but I think they’ve perceived how uncomfortable the question makes me.

But seriously, if you’re a loveable human being you probably get asked this question quite often. Some endearing person of the opposite sex will ask you, “why are you still single?”

Excuse my French but what the fuck are you supposed to say in response to that? Why am I still single? Maybe because I don’t give a hoot about societal norms and how I’m supposed to behave. Does age twenty require me to be in a relationship without exception? Maybe I’m single because I get too intoxicated to behave like a good girl. Maybe I meet too many good guys. The question doesn’t have a proper answer.

But this question has lead me to peruse all of the obstacles to dating in your twenties. What makes it so difficult? How can we overcome this? I have some answers for you. And for you, sad and lonely nerd-man. And also you, girl with very little hope. Have faith.

My very first and probably most important piece of advice for you:

Know what you’re looking for.

• If you’re looking for a one-night stand, then that’s just grand. You might be young, you might be old, it really doesn’t matter. Just know what you’re seeking and that’s what you’ll find. If you pretend to want something more from a girl you meet at the bar, you’ll wind up with her in your bed the next morning french-braiding your cats hair and knitting her name into a blanket for your bed. Not cool.
• If you’re looking for a relationship – do me a favour. Don’t seek it at the bar. You’re going to end up sitting at home alone on a Friday night expecting a visit from ton amour and what do you know? Something came up. You look on Facebook the next morning like a total stalker and they’re tagged in 57 pictures from the bar. Doing shots off of a girls fake tits. Don’t get mad, because I warned you.
• If you’re looking for something casual don’t get involved with someone you know is clingy. That shit gets messy. They start planning your wedding on Pinterest before you’ve even gone on an official date together. You need to end it pronto or prepare for a bombardment of love and affection your emotionally unstable self is probably not prepared for.

My next piece of advice:

Know how to make yourself social medially attractive:

• No, I don’t know if that’s an actual term but I have just coined it.
• Don’t be desperate. I’m going to make a rule for you that’s easy to follow: no more than 2 selfies in a row, posted on your wall or posted in your profile pictures.
• Don’t, for the life of you, tweet incessantly about going to the gym. It’s okay if you do it here or there but if it looks like you’ve planned it, time after time, it gets a bit monotonous and almost like you’re trying to shove it in our faces (you are, right?).
• Be light-hearted. No one wants to see your sappy tweets, country song lyrics, or #ThingsGirlsSay hashtags. We know what girls say. 50% of us are of the same species so cool your jets. Hashtag single girls are the ones I referenced above who knit their name into a blanket for you for Canada Day. I know, right? No one gives presents on Canada Day. SHE DOES.

Next in line:

How to Answer The “Uncomfortable Question”:

• Tell your friends, family and members of the opposite sex that you’re tired of stooping for someone below your level and you’re waiting for Mr. Right, who just so happens to make over 500 K per year. 
• If you have some obsolete ethnic combination, tell people you’re searching for someone who matches said combination. That wonderful 1/2 Jewish, 1/4 Indian, 1/4 Taiwanese, with Republican heritage but changed his/her views to Democratic after witnessing a shark attack along Venice Beach. They’re out there somewhere, and your heart belongs to them.
• Tell this to your family especially – you’ve dated too many drug dealers to know that the type you once had has put you in way too many life threatening situations, so you’re searching for a new type… one that preferably doesn’t spend all of his time trying to barter you off in compensation for an unpaid debt.
• OR, you could just use my go-to. You’re waiting to become famous so that you can marry Miguel.

People in today’s society make ‘being single’ out as if it’s a bad thing. You’re in your twenties, not a spinster. Being single precedes the avoidance of awkward family interviews, returning gifts that were heartfelt but unattractive, and the revealing of qualities that are unpleasant but bound to make their way to the surface. Like your obsession with hand sanitizer, or cleaning the toilet bowl after every use. You people know how fucked up you are.

That being said, I love each and every one of you for your own individual qualities. Don’t give that shit up for the chance to be with someone who isn’t just what you need.

Love from,

A wine drunk KG

xx

How To Deal With *Emotional* Females

You can substitute emotional for hormonal, or chocolate craving demon soul-suckers. Whatever pleases you.

Since I’m writing this blog I’ll be honest with you – I currently fall into this category. I know, I know. Fuck women tears, I’m hard as nails and all of that nonsense. But when push comes to shove, I still have the same damn babymaking organs inside of me and they still cause me to get. a little. emotional.

Or a lot.

These past few days in particular I’ve been all up in people’s business like Oprah Winfrey and I can’t catch a break. I had so much aggression inside of me this morning I went to the gym and worked harder than the dude training to be a bodybuilder (confession: that’s a full out lie but it felt like it).

So you want to know how to deal with us? I think that’s a fair enough request. We get to have our way with an excuse that generally flies, unless you want metaphorical daggers shot at you. Who knows, she might even have a real dagger. Or knowledge of kickboxing.

Here’s my advice to you, from the perspective of a hormonal devil woman:

1. Carry an unfinished chocolate bar with you. Seriously, wherever you go. You could be sitting in class or at work and have the chick next to you flip out because you don’t have an extra pen for her to borrow. But you know what you do have? Chocolate. She will be sated and you will enjoy the rest of your time beside her free from elbow jabs.
2. Don’t make unnecessary noises. It’s a proven fact that you’re going to get smacked in the groin if you walk past a hormonal woman while you’re whistling in high spirits. Do that inside your head, save yourself the pain.
3. Rehearse some scripts. You don’t have to be a Hollywood actor to please a grumpy female. Just let her chat your ear off, find some skin coloured ear plugs, nod and say, “Oh no, that does sound awful. Are you sure you’re okay? I’ll kick their ass. No way! Gosh, you’re such a strong, powerful woman.” See, not so hard to remember, is it? You can (and most likely will have to) do that in your sleep!
4. Midol. Sounds excessive, but it’s an investment that I can’t stress enough. It will pay off. Slip some Rohipnol in there to shake things up. Surprise! That one fell asleep!
5. Don’t, I repeat, don’t buy her drinks at the bar. Little bit of whiskey on the gums works for babies, but babies also have a lower alcohol tolerance and don’t know how to speak. You think her rants about her day were bad before? Wait until you buy her that shot of Jack Daniels. Her day will turn from a shitstorm into a full blown hurricane. Don’t stay in her path.

These basic guidelines should leave you headache-free and could potentially prevent a groin injury! Don’t take them lightly. I know, I come from the gender of ovaries. We try to come in peace but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. Prevention is key!

I’m heading to a comedy show tonight to cure my woes. Prepare the flood safety kit, Hurricane KG is gonna hit Ottawa tonight.

Growing Up: How To Make It Not Suck

I can’t stop eating Timbits.

But I mean, I might as well get it out of my system while I still have the metabolism of a twenty-year old, right?

Wrong.

My metabolism is already going down the drain. Along with a lot of other things I took pride in as a teenager, such as my tolerance for alcohol. Maybe I’m drinking more because I’m legally able to, but seriously? I cannot stress how embarrassing it is that I can’t hold my liquor as much now as I could when I was house-partying at the age of 16.

I’m gonna have to make the adult switch to green soon enough.

It’s crazy watching oneself age. I know I’m not old by any means, and don’t get me wrong. I am fully going to take advantage of the excuse being a twenty something provides for “acting a fool” and “getting my freak on” and “twerking” because I probably won’t be able to do any of those things in five years. Unless I get a job that pays me to party. Isn’t that everyone’s dream though?

Another Timbit down the hatch. Tuesday’s don’t do it for me.

Thinking about getting older freaks me out, a little bit too much. I start thinking about all the tough decisions I’m going to have to make, and new skills I’ll have to learn.

• Am I going to have to learn how to cook and clean? Or will I make enough money to hire someone to do that for me?
• I don’t look good in knee length skirts. Does that skill come with age, or will I have to wear pantsuits? Will I be wearing suits at all? What if the laws change and people don’t wear clothes?
• At age 40-50 I’m going to have to make a very tough decision. Live with my wrinkles or get Botox injections?
• Old lady boobs scare me. But I also don’t want to have rocks for tits like Regina’s mom on Mean Girls. What will I do?
• Everything gives you cancer now-a-days. Should I just become a hermit now while I’m still healthy? Wait, bad idea. That would probably give me cancer too.

See? It’s scary shit, growing up.

There are some perks though. Namely raising children to be little mini versions of yourself. If my kid is anything like me, they’re going to be the biggest little shit ever. I can’t wait to pick him up from school after he gets detention for calling a four-eyed ginger over in Red Rover. Or maybe my little girl will call the pretentious popular girl a twat. I’d pretend to be pissed until we were on our way home and then we’d high-five and go get ice cream.

Another perk? Intimidating people who are younger. You can literally scare the shit out of a group of teenagers because they think you have authority. Now combine the two perks – scaring the shit out of your kids’ friends. I can do that effortlessly. I can’t wait to catch them smoking pot together so I can scold them and take it away from them, and then go get baked in my room and watch TV.

Maybe getting older isn’t so bad after all. Futuristic KG is still gonna be fly…

Blog ya on the flip side,

KG

Enjoy Your Valentine’s Day. Seriously.

It’s coming. The 14th of February – that date that rolls around once every year as if on queue (oh wait, it is). Is your heart palpitating, ladies? Knees shaking? Are you terrified at the very thought of being alone with your cats on V-Day?

Simple answer: don’t be.

First things first, think about the things you can take advantage of if you’re a single person on this holiday.

• Day after Valentine’s deals on food. You might even make some new friends at the store, as long as you aren’t battling over the last bag of Hershey’s kisses.
• Movie dates with single friends. Buy the movie theatre large size popcorn, but wait. Don’t eat it. Throw it at every happy couple you see right before they make-out while you drink from your flask and laugh. That’d be a riot.
• Buy a bottle of wine. You don’t have to split it with anyone! You can drink the whole thing!
• Spend some quality time reflecting on your accomplishments and feeling good about how well you’re doing, if you’re doing well (maybe humble brag a little bit on Twitter so everyone else knows it, too).

Yeah, maybe it would be rad to receive flowers and chocolates one day a year. Wait – that doesn’t sound right. There are 365 days in a year and we only have one day that we should expect to be gifted chocolates by a loved one? I can think of many reasons why I should be gifted chocolates. I received a B on a paper; I think that means you should give me chocolates. I didn’t throw up when I was drunk last night, you should most likely give me a dozen roses (red are my favourite). Surely your boyfriend didn’t bring you a stuffed teddy bear when you didn’t just roll over after he asked you to have sex last night?

Clearly, I’ve never been a big romantic. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been in a relationship that inspired me to feel anything but disdain, but I would totally prefer to have a home-cooked meal prepared for me any night of the week as opposed to someone spending a couple hundred dollars on gifts, dinner and wine one night a year.

My advice to the guys out there who are actually in a relationship: do something creative. You might end up spending less money, and making a better impression on your wifey. Go balls to the wall. Put your back into it. All those things. I know I’ve been ragging on happy couples but you should enjoy your day as well. You commitment loving, tender spirits, you. I mean, If we’re going to have this one-day-a-year love fest, it should at least be creative and meaningful and not just a product of February 13th shopping at Walmart and the local florist.

That’s it, that’s all for today.

Enjoy your rain-speckled days, kids!

KG

Why Your New Years Resolutions Never Work

This may be a bit of a venting blog for me so I apologize if I come off sounding pretentious or inconsiderate, that was neither my desire nor my intention. That being said, what is it about New Years resolutions that gets people’s panties all tied up? Is the tradition of reforming a habit once a year that important? I certainly don’t think so.

Let’s look at the most common resolutions, shall we? We’ve got weight loss, improved diet and cessation of smoking as the main three, and many more in relation to debt eradication and improved education or career. I’m not saying these things aren’t to be strived for and, with enough motivation, achieved. I’m saying that making these promises to yourself, or goals for yourself, on this one “special” time of the year is not a replacement for motivation. There is no magic power behind goals set at the beginning of a new year. If you really wanted to achieve these things you would have achieved them. It’s not as if it’s impossible to follow through with goals set at other times of the year, for other purposes than a New Years resolution.

Please, think twice before you make your mind up to make major changes in your life. Is your heart in it? Will you truly follow through? Because if your heart isn’t behind these goals you’re going to end up wasting time and money that could be put to use somewhere else. As I said, I’m not trying to deter you from achieving your goals but making a resolution just because it’s the new year is conducive to failed intentions and unmet expectations.

Let motivation be the guiding force behind your search for fulfillment. If you want change in your life, then pursue it. Don’t wait until the new year; don’t stigmatize your goals and give others reason to doubt their authenticity. A study done in 2007 said that 88% of New Years resolutions don’t pan out. That’s a big fucking number. Which to me proves the point that goals set for the sake of making goals are not realistic and thus very unlikely to work.

Reforming our negative habits should not simply be a “once a year” thing. We should be constantly improving, looking for things to change and making those changes because we want to, not because it’s socially expected of us to do so.

My new years resolution is going to consist of me sitting on my behind in a McDonalds smoking a cigarette and reflecting on how bogus this tradition actually is.

KG

Post-Holiday Penny Pinching Ideas

Picture this: your December credit card bill comes in.

No, I don’t have anything to add to that. If you’re as irresponsible as I am with the moolah, the thought of that piece of paper or electronic mail arriving in your mailbox sends a shiver down your spine. And not a nice one. I know you’re no Scrooge McDuck, and you have to buy gifts. It’s the Christmas season, that’s what it’s all about! PRESENTS muahahaha (excuse me while I go roll around in mine)… And Jesus, yes, that too.

Despite the fact that our capitalist society may have you forgetting that Christmas isn’t just about who can buy the best gift for just about everyone in their life, be not afraid. I have solutions. To the penny-pinching mobile! (that’s what I call the crap Windstar that sits outside our house)

Brainstorms:

• First things first, did you get any gifts that you don’t want? Return that shit. Take it back today, and put the money towards your credit card. Yeah, it might not be the most fun way to essentially “receive” gifts but it’s a lot better than begging for cash from your friends, parents and/or passers-by on the street.
• Train your mind to believe that you are a college student, living on a day to day budget of $5. Ramen is all you can afford to eat. No matter if you are in college, or you have to reminisce on the days when you were, or altogether pretend that you went, you have the ability. Ramen breakfast idea: add raisins and cinnamon. Ramen lunch idea: add tomatoes, celery, or any other cheap vegetable you can get your hands on. Ramen dinner idea: you need protein. That’s expensive. Do you have a rabbit or squirrel living in your backyard?
• Get a job. You have a job? Get another one. Preferably one where you can make some easy money. Try serving at a chain restaurant, they always have customers and don’t require any significant talent from their employees. I’m not endorsing stripping but I’m sure that also provides some easy money for those of you who aren’t shy about your body or attached to your dignity.
• Sell your belongings. I don’t mean ALL of them, surely you need some clothes and hygienic materials because no one wants to smell your natural odor. I’m talking books, maybe your boxspring, and do you really need a desk? Chairs? You know you don’t have any friends to sit on them, but it’s totally up to you. Kijiji is a powerful money-making tool, my friends.
• Expand your talents. Can you play an instrument or sing a little bit? No? Excellent, that’s still enough to busk on the street corner. The more pathetic you look, the more people will pity you, so splash some water on your face, pretend like you just sucked on a lemon (or do your best Renée Zellweger impression) and start playing. Can you draw caricatures? No, you probably can’t. That shit is hard to fake, moving on.
• Stop drinking such damn expensive booze. Absolut? ARE YOU ABSOLUT-LY STUPID? Hennessy? ARE YOU TRYING TO HENNES-SEE YOUR MONEY GO DOWN THE TOILET? Veuve? Yeah, I’ve got nothing for that one. Pricey bubbly is the best bubbly. For vodka, though, go with something along the lines of Silent Sam. It will kill your liver silently, but leave your wallet feeling fat and happy.
• Become an extreme couponer! This website will show you how. Keep in mind that you have to have a lot of time on your hands, and an extra room to store all of the extra unnecessary but cheap living supplies you’ll be gaining. If you’re in a relationship that isn’t rewarding enough, you could always end that to free up some space and time in your household. Your seventeen packages of Charmin toilet paper will be enough to keep you warm at night.

Do you guys need any more suggestions? Well, too bad, you’re shit out of luck. If you’re unwilling to commit yourself to any of those ideas then you don’t deserve my help, you little rascal. The best final suggestion I can give to you is this: don’t think you have more money than you do. Sure it’ll give your friend a broner if you pick up his bar tab but when push comes to shove, you need to eat more than you need to pay for his alcohol consumption. Tell that dude, “me first!” and then give him a junk punch. That’s sure to deflate the broner.

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m starting to get chills. Maybe I should become an inspirational speaker?

Happy holidays my sweet cookies,

KG