I’m an expert in this topic, so you can trust everything that I say. Not only do I partake in the drunk eating of such foods as McDonalds, Wendy’s, Denny’s and so on, but I also eat them when I’m sober. Every time it’s a challenge. I think to myself, “Yeah, it was worse than dog vomit last time. But I only have four dollars, maybe they’ve changed their recipe?”
Fast food restaurants do not change their recipe.
I swear on the life of baby Jesus Wendy’s carves the recipes ON the bongs of their employees so that even though they’re all stoned, the recipes were the last thing they saw and thus their baked mind is still perusing the ins and outs of the delicacy they call the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger. If that doesn’t look delicious to you, go drink a bottle of nail polish remover.
Whatever you do, don’t inhale when someone walks by you with a bag of fast food. Have you ever been walking behind someone on the street that’s eating Taco Bell? Or even worse, stuck in a car with them? That cheesy gordita – diarrhea smell that all of their food seems to give off is overpowering. I heard troops in Russia have started using it in place of tear gas. True story.
All of Taco Bell’s food has been lumped under that smell, I’m assuming because everyone who has diarrhea probably at some point in their day ate a cheesy gordita crunch and you know what they say about the power of scent relation…
Eating fast food while sober is the absolute worst, because you can’t even blame the inept brain processes of an alcohol-filled night. You were at the prime of your game, you just hit a moment of weakness. Maybe your coworker laughed at your tie and your brain said, “It’s okay, Jim. You go to Dairy Queen right now and get a large cookie dough Blizzard to drown your sorrows in. That IS an ugly ass tie.”
When you’re drunk, though, it’s another story. You order a Filet-o-Fish at McDonald’s and you think you’ve just been served the finest Atlantic salmon. “Excuse me good sir, did you just catch this this morning? It tastes delectable,” you say in your finest Fish expert voice. The McDonald’s employee stares at you with the kind of empty eyes only McDonald’s employees have, and continues deep-frying the pink chicken sludge. You just know later he’s going to go home and weep in his visor until he falls asleep.
Shawarma is quite possibly the worst thing you could feed yourself while intoxicated. In Ottawa, shawarma restaurants litter the downtown area. There’s one on every block, so it’s the convenience factor that gets you. But you know that if you’re drunk enough to eat a shawarma with EXTRA garlic sauce before going to bed, you’re also too drunk to remember to brush your teeth afterwards, leading to a garlic-induced vomit session upon waking.
As a final note, never order a pizza over the phone if you’re African-Americaned out. It’s safe to say you will fall asleep before it arrives 45 minutes later and they really don’t like that (I’ve done it more than once).
Take these tips as a lesson, young grasshoppers, and just avoid the garbage completely. Stop at your local food market after the bar and pick up a pre-made salad! You know I’m kidding, but wouldn’t that be awesome?
Love and kisses,
KG
call me KG 