Being a young adult is hard. How do you wear your hair? How much work is too much work? What obscenities can you get away with saying to the opposite sex?
That’s what I’m here for, friends. I’ve been around the bend and back with pick-up lines, as I’m an avid abuser of them.
Did you hear that? Shit, nevermind. I thought my Rari’s alarm was going off.
There are just some pick-up lines that you should never, ever use.
(Story time): One time I was slightly intoxicated and headed into a Mac’s convenience store to buy myself a nice pack of cigarettes. I was a little short on the dough, probably due to the intoxication, so I asked the counter attendant for his cheapest pack of cigarettes. Not only did I do that, but I was thoroughly blown away by the price and threw in a lighter just for kicks. He started laughing, expectedly, and then asked for my phone number, unexpectedly. Excuse me? You want the phone number of the girl who makes an extra effort to buy the cheapest smokes you sell? That’s like saying, “mmm man…I’m dating this girl who wears Louboutin’s, like bitch why can’t you just shop at Payless?”
Nah B you take the fine shit, not someone who’s desperately buying Next cigarettes.
Now that has only happened twice so let’s take this time to reflect on a classic move – The Drive-By.
If you’re a girl you know this “move” way too well. Guys, you must know that this will never work. You see a fine lady walking down the street and whistle or yell some remark from your car that ranges between “I really like your dress, you look like a respectable lady” and “sit on my face”. You think that girl is going to walk up to your car and say, “wow, stranger! Take me for a spin!”?
That kind of woman is either a street urchin or you’re driving a Lambo.
Most appreciated of the pick-up attempts are the creative ones that make you laugh. Why, just tonight I was walking home from work and I had a man rollerblade past me, do two spinning pirouettes, throw up a double gun and then skate on. What kind of a Wednesday pastime is that? I totally would have double-gunned back if he wasn’t wearing a sweatband – close friends of mine know that I am not a fan of sweatbands.
Least appreciated are the lines that have been copped from a movie. Kid, you think I’ve never seen A Night at the Roxbury? No, there’s not a mirror in my pocket. I keep that shit in my purse. No, I wasn’t made in heaven, but the backseat of a Pontiac during parental makeup sex. YOU DON’T KNOW ME!
I could go on and on about how to pick up girls but my best advice to you is just be creative. And do it to me, because I make notes on my iPhone of douchebag guy moves and you might find yourself in a future blog! My phone is literally full of notes like, “wing man dick size” (but I’ll save that story for another time).
All I know is that your eyes are the perfect blend of sea blue and sand brown like a Caribbean beach, and that’s one beach I’d love to get lost on…
Much love from Ottawa!
KG
call me KG 