Leaving Canada for the Motherland

Guess what? We’re two weeks out from the big move!

My UK visa is valid in exactly 10 days.

I’m getting on a flight from this godforsaken snowy fuckhole of a country (lol, joking Mom) and saying farewell to Caesars, hockey, a national animal as awesome as the beaver, and people that say “eh?” and “bud” at the end of every other sentence. I’m going to miss it. But there are a few things that I’m looking forward to…

British TV

Tom introduced me to Frankie Boyle a few months ago and the comprehension that something that offensive could take a prime spot on evening television blew me away. Not to mention the fact that they have countless game show style programs featuring comedians with very little censorship. In Canada the most offensive television you can expect to see is Family Guy on a Sunday evening or re-runs of The Simpsons. It’s probably one of the many reasons we’re labelled boring. But we also haven’t got thousands of years of offending people and empire building under our belt, so cut a bit of slack, would ya?

Pies and Pastys

Imagine a country that puts its best meat inside of a pastry. Isn’t that a world you would want to live in? Well, wait no longer. That country has actually been around for, erm, centuries.

Rain (hear me out)

I’ve often been told by friends and family that I’m going to hate the rain and I haven’t prepared myself enough. Guess what, dickheads? It snows here for almost 5 months of the year. Do you know what’s worse than walking around in rain? Walking around in freezing rain. Do you know whats worse than carrying an umbrella around? Putting five extra layers on your torso and your feet because the temperature has dipped below -20. Every country has ways to justify the weather where they live, and often the ones with harsh climates have a better economy because their citizens are more resilient, and they get their whining out about the weather so they can focus when they get into work.

Living by the ocean

AKA HUMIDITY. Yeah, Canada, your dry ass winters gross me out. I’m tired of having scaly skin and brittle hair. I want to see water that isn’t frozen again.

Not being scared of offending people 

I do love how PC Canada is. Let’s just get that straight. I’m glad people feel safe and comfortable here. However, there are still assholes. There are still racists and sexists and pedophiles and rapists. Not speaking about them doesn’t magically make them disappear. We are not somehow more safe because we refuse to joke about things that are nasty. Loosen up just a tiny bit, be vigilant and care for people, but come on. Joke about the people that deserve to be belittled. For me.

Full English fry-up

Just look at it would you? How could you not fly 7 hours just for some of that goodness in the morning?

Cheap(er) transport

Surely people in the UK won’t agree with this one, but you must not have ever lived in Canada. Or North America at all, for that matter. Sure, our land is fucking massive. But driving from Ottawa to Toronto is about 10 hours round trip, and a flight costs about $200-250 round trip. Train? At least $200. I think you can get a bus for $80 round trip. Travelling from city-to-city in Canada would take you months, and you’d need a car. It’s cheaper for me to fly from Toronto to the United Kingdom than Toronto to Vancouver. Discount airlines would do well here (HINT HINT).

I’m excited for weekend trips around Europe; the closeness of everything while maintaining such a variety of culture. I’m just excited.

See you in ten days, breakfast of my dreams!

KG

LifeHack [Alternatives]: The Homeless Edition

After a particularly boring day of searching the interweb for interesting articles and tidbits to read, I found myself on the “LifeHack” website. If you’ve never been on this site, here’s the rundown:

It’s basically a website where they collect all of the generic things in the entire world that people could possibly agree on and put them into lists. It’s like Buzzfeed without the GIF’s. Shareable, but lame as tits. I found myself unable to leave the website – I was simply drawn into the ridiculousness. The site had lists like “Things You Need to Do In Your Twenties” (which included activities such as a weekend-long bender, attending a music festival, travelling the world and buying an expensive item that will sit in your closet) and “Habits You’re Better Off Without” (where you’d find procrastination, complaining, gossiping, among others).

Thanks LifeHack, but I don’t need a list to tell me I shouldn’t be procrastinating. If lists cured all my problems, well wouldn’t you just be the next Jesus? I’d be travelling around the world on little to no cash (because there’s a list for that) not complaining about a single thing, I’d probably attend every music festival on the face of the planet and thanks to your list about the “20 Most Magnificent Places to Read Books” I’d read the entire Harry Potter series in libraries across the world.

“Okay, we get it,” say the creators of LifeHack. But I’m not done yet.

I discovered after several more hours on the website – like I said, I was entranced – that these lists seem to be directed toward the average middle-to-high income web reader, who is generally 20 to 30 years in age.

What about those who are excluded? Surely homeless people aren’t going to read the “9 Daily Habits That Will Change Your Life” (visualize, define priorities, create a morning routine, drink more water) and think, “wow this is exactly what I need!”

That’s where I got the idea to create LifeHack [Alternatives]: the article for those who aren’t generic, middle-income young adults that enjoy reading lists of things that they already know. Articles that won’t get shared on Facebook and Twitter but on the streets. Or in the public library, or wherever the homeless use the internet.

A Mini-Guide to Living Without a Home

Written by: KG

1. Start Your Bender

First things first – what’s your poison? Commonly abused are alcohol, methamphetamine and heroin as well as prescription medications. Which one do you think you can commit to? Remember, this choice will define the people you will hang around with for the remainder of your life. Choose carefully. Who needs a weekend-long bender when yours can just never end?

2. Pick a Spot, Any Spot

You know the easiest way to convince someone that you ARE in fact homeless, is sticking to one spot. That way, they will pass by you continuously and become convinced that you have made this 2 foot squared spot your “home”.

3. Don’t Resort to Begging

Begging is such a clichéd way to earn your living. Try to get creative with your finances! Some suggestions include fountain diving for change, emptying tip jars into your pockets at your local Starbucks, breaking into Newsstand change boxes and intercepting mail that looks valuable. These are just starting points, so feel free to innovate. The world is your change purse.

4. You Need a Scooter

They come in handy for intercepting packages on the go, stealing Pizza Pizza right out of that drunk college students’ hand, and simply feeling the wind in your hair from time to time.

Plus, all of the coolest homeless people have scooters.

5. Now, You Need a Pet

Nothing stirs empathy in other humans like a pet! And may I suggest a dog? Cats are independent creatures so they will get sick of your shit and go do their own thing. Dogs as a species have also perfected the “puppy-dog eyes” which you’ve been trying to get right for months. Buy a mirror and practice, practice, practice!

6. Get Some Dirtier Shoes

Warm feet are nice, but if you’re sitting on the street wearing a pair of Uggs you’re unlikely to find any change in your cup. I suggest instead investing in a pair of stretchy Walmart-esque slippers and scuffing some holes in the edges. There you go, much better.

Just keep your Uggs in your bag until you have to sleep, and pop ’em on real quick.

7. People LOVE Stories

…So you should start perfecting yours now. Are you saving up for a vacation to Cuba? Or simply just a slice of mouthwatering pizza from the shop around the corner? Are you going to take the honest route? Or the comedic route? Your options are essentially endless. If you’re sick of using your voice to tell people this story, all you need to do is find a scrap of cardboard and make a sign.

“Saving up for a penis enlargement, I’m a bit short”. That’s the best one I’ve heard so far, but feel free to make your own that truly represents you and your goals.

If you have a talent, put it to use. Strum the strings off of that guitar. Sing until you can’t sing anymore. Why would you take classes to perfect your art when you can make mad coin on the sidewalk? With any luck, you’ll become YouTube famous and live a cushioned life forever.

DISCLAIMER: I do not – I repeat, DO NOT – advise anyone to actually follow this guide. I simply hate the LifeHack website and I’m bored before work.

KISSES AND HUGS,

KG

I’ve Never Been This Nice on a Monday.

Drinking every day – even just one to two casual glasses of wine on a weeknight – can play a huge part in numbing emotions that should be experienced and dealt with, rather than ignored. Last night I came to a hypothetical wall in my sober month and just became overwhelmed with emotion. And I mean overwhelmed. I just started crying about how much my parents loved me; how much time they’ve dedicated to loving me, and making sure I grew into a functional adult (still working on that part).

I watched a video on the inspirational Upworthy website last week – if you haven’t heard of it, or looked at it in a while, you can check it out here.  The video depicted a bunch of average young adults writing letters to those people that inspired them, and then being asked to read the letter to the people of whom it was about. It was absolutely beautiful stuff. Sometimes we take for granted the expression of our love and gratitude for those closest to us in life. We forget to remind them, time and time again, how much their support and leadership is truly admired.

This is for those people in my life.

#1:

This woman is my biggest inspiration. I’ve pushed her to her limit one too many times but she never forgets what’s important in our relationship. She always manages to find the perfect balance between disappointment and encouragement, discipline and freedom. I couldn’t ask for a better mother and role model. She’s taught me some of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned. Just because people make bad choices doesn’t make them bad people.  Just because you’re in the wrong now doesn’t mean you always will be. And just because you’re not on the right path doesn’t mean you can’t change it. She has always been my biggest supporter in following what makes me truly happy and not just what other people expect me to do. Our life path isn’t set in stone, we must forge our own path to be happy and this takes a lot of trial and error.

#2:

While I was lying in bed last night listening to the murmur of my roommates television set I was suddenly taken back to my first house – almost like déjà vu. I remember lying in the same bed at the age of 13 or 14 after having a remarkably bad day in high school (because let’s get real, who didn’t every once in a while) and my dad would crack the door and say goodnight, or come in and give me a kiss on the forehead.  I would start crying after he left, not out of sadness, but because in that moment I could just tell how much he loved me and would always love me. In my younger years I was a huge ‘Daddy’s Girl’. I’d sleep on the couch until he got home from working late shifts just to hear him say goodnight. My dad has never been the most stable about anything except for the love he carries for his family, especially his children. That’s one thing I’ll always be able to rely on. He went through ups and downs but has always managed to get back on stable ground.  It amazes me how such a great person can struggle so hard with realizing how great he is, and how important he is in the eyes of many. I hope he never forgets that.

#3:

Somehow this guy has been a part of my life since I was 13 and I haven’t gotten sick of him. Rare. He’s a great friend, but even more than that, I see him as a sort of muse to my creativity. I can be in a month long lull where I won’t write a single thing and just a few simple words of encouragement from him can spark something – something like the idea for this article, for example. I see him as a little fist that knocks on the light bulb above my head that temporarily went out (or maybe he claps, if the light bulb is a clapper). Either way, the intelligent and eloquent manner he converses in often helps put my ideas in order. Often it’s not the idea that I’m lacking, but the motivation to produce a finished product. He can help to provide the missing words.

#4:

I have a lot of respect for this man simply due to his honest and direct nature. He doesn’t filter his words in order to please others and the admiration they feel for him because of this fact is obvious. It takes a backbone to tell people something that they may not really want to hear, but that they need to hear. This isn’t to say he has absolutely no filter – he knows how to carry on a civilized conversation. But if he gets a phone call from a telemarketer while he’s busy… let’s just say you don’t want to be on the other end of that phone call. Not only is he perfectly outspoken, he cares a lot about the people that are close to him. It’s entirely too obvious. A self-titled “half man, half unicorn” he’s not afraid to be different and in turn he inspires others to do the same.

#5:

Four years older than me, he’s always been a source of leadership. That being said, I never modeled my behaviour after his although I probably should have. As siblings we couldn’t be more opposite. He’s grounded, committed, safe and responsible. He takes risks but calculates them in advance and I couldn’t be more proud of the person he is today. I know I could turn to him in a time of need and he would help me without a second’s hesitation and I’m sure he would do his best to do the same for a stranger if they were in a sticky situation.

It’s not that I didn’t realize how many amazing people I had in my life before, but I’m just now realizing how blessed I am to know these people and that their presence should never, ever be taken for granted. Thanks to these and the countless others that make me happy to be the person I am. Much love!

KG

KG’s Prohibition

Day Four.

As I stand behind the bar at work, I get antsy. My brain knows how easy it would be to drink the leftovers of the daiquiri I just made for the girl sitting at table 15. I take another sip of coffee. What about the wine sitting in the fridge? Three ounces really isn’t enough to justify leaving the bottle in there…

Who knew it would be so hard to completely stop consuming alcohol? I could stand not partying so hard but casual drinks just seem so harmless. Coincidentally, they have also become ingrained in my system as normal. Being that I can barely go a day without having one.

But as of today, I’ve gone FOUR!

Okay, please hold your laughter. Small accomplishments matter too, right? Because soon four will become ten and thats a third of the way to my goal! Woohoo!

My body’s all, “Yo KG, where that funky juice at? You know the one. That clear stuff that makes my neurotransmitters forget to pass on messages! C’monnn angel, don’t tell me you’ve forgotten.”

…because that’s the way the part of my brain that enjoys alcohol talks. Like a 90’s rapper.

“You mean I have to make responsible decisions, again?” my frontal lobe rolls its eyes. Or my eyes. Whatever. My body is not used to putting in full effort and not running on mammalian reflexes (breathe, walk, blink, repeat).

Why am I putting myself through this, you ask?

First of all, I want to know that I can. What if all the alcohol in the world ran out and I only lived for fourteen days before my systems shut down? I need to know that I can survive for at least a month. That seems like a more justifiable time to get end-of-the-world shit done.

Second, have you met Kristen? If so, you shouldn’t be asking yourself this question. I need to do this.

There are many, many more reasons that you probably don’t need to know but one of the most important to me is finding out who I can do without. Yes, who. It’s going to be nice to find out who the people in my life are that won’t be around when there aren’t any substances being abused. There’s certain people in your life that you know just bring you down, but sometimes it’s difficult to determine exactly who those people are.

The general idea of this blog is that people will read it, and then it will be [number of readers] times harder to give up halfway through. SO LIKE, IF YOU SEE ME DRINKING, SLAP ME OR SOMETHING.

Even if it’s water, just in case.

It’s time for me to stop making an ass out of myself. Some footsteps do not deserve to be followed in. I hope that you can support my decision. If you can – and do – I promise you I will totally make out with your friendship forever. I’ll buy it roses every anniversary and open doors for it everywhere we go. And you. I’ll open doors for you.

xx

KG

What You’d Find In My Room After a Night Out

What You’d Find In My Room After a Night Out

Vlog virginity officially gone. Don’t hate, this was also my first time using iMovie…

My Thoughts on Your Face

Hey you.

Are you having a good night, tonight?

I just thought I’d tell you that you have a beautiful face, and if you could see my lady boner right now from looking at that damn outfit of yours, you’d be blown away.

I don’t usually hit on [insert gender here] like you, but I thought there’s a first time for everything and you are just so unique that I knew, this is it. This is the first time.

If you haven’t stopped reading yet out of disinterest, I’d really like to get to know you. Are you a cat person, or a dog person?

Me too.

I’m trying to stay focused on what you’re saying but shit, your [insert eye colour here] eyes are like oceans, and I’m drowning. Or forests, and I’m lost in the woods. Or like dog shit, that I totally just stepped in and can’t get off my foot.

What I’m trying to say is, you have nice eyes.

Do you come here often?

Thanks. I like that in a person. If you didn’t find me funny, we probably wouldn’t work out.

What’s your favourite type of food? I’d like to know where to take you for dinner.

Ew, that’s disgusting.

Just kidding, I’d eat anything for a chance to spend more time with you.

Except olives.

I’m glad you asked, here’s a couple things you should know about me:

• I like to give massages and due to the littleness of my fingers I can get in all the tough to reach places.
• I’m a pretty good cook unless you ask me to make something difficult, in which case I’ll probably buy take-out and pretend I made it.
• My feet smell like angel wings that were sprinkled with rose petals and then that angel showered in glitter.
• Ummm, I think that’s about it.

If you want to go on a date with me send your requests to my Twitter because that’s where I am most often found.

It was really nice meeting you,

KG

My Irrational Fear of Street People

I feel like I should talk to a real live person about this in a real live conversation but as I’m sitting in my bedroom alone, feeling connected over the internet will have to do.

Tonight, I was approached by a street person (I won’t call him homeless, maybe he had a home somewhere) who said: “Hi friend,” that kind of creeped me out to start off with. He continued, “I’ve been looking for a bite to eat for a while now…” and at this point I stopped him. Sometimes I do give the odd street person a couple dollars, because maybe they are hungry, but tonight I had no cash whatsoever so I said, “Sorry man, I don’t have any money on me.”

As I walked, not even a block away, I started to feel extremely guilty. Usually I don’t, but this guy was young. Maybe 25 to 30 years old. And it is fucking COLD in Ottawa tonight. What if he was really hungry? Maybe I should have offered that he come with me to the nearest fast food joint and I’d be able to know my money was being put to good use? And above all, I wondered, why was my first instinct to keep walking and say ‘no’?

This can’t be normal from a moral perspective. I know we live in a strongly individual society and all that garbage, but how is it morally okay that our first reaction to someone saying they’re hungry is fear or disinterest? Have we become this cruel in our individuality?

I’m sitting here, two hours later, still feeling like a horrible person.

There’s no overall point to this blog, because I’m sure as hell my behaviour towards people on the streets isn’t going to change overnight, but I get the feeling that I need to shake this fear. Next time a person approaches me asking for food – not money – I’m going to find out his or her name, and suggest that we go get a bite of food together (time permitting, I’m not Jesus). There needs to be a line drawn in regards to my selfishness and I think that it’s going to be here. They may have issues, they may have made poor decisions, but they’re still people who deserve to live and breathe.

So yeah. Female hormones got this bitch going crazy over homeless people.

Who’da thunk it?

KG

Why My University Degree Doesn’t Define Me

I don’t know when exactly it happened, but I figured it out.

I figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Not in the exact sense in which I have a direct path to a direct goal, but in a looser sense where I simply want it to guide me. I want to do what I enjoy and the rest of the pieces, I believe, will just fall into place.

I want to write.

I don’t know what, or how, or where. I don’t really even know why. I just know that I enjoy it and I’ve always been taught to do what I enjoy. These past two or three months have been immensely helpful in guiding the direction that my life narrative is going to take. Firstly, the creation of this little blog has helped me express some personal opinions and crack some jokes here and there. Secondly, my university education has come to mean something to me. Not that I looked at it as useless before, but now I see how it’s going to help me.

University degrees are pointless in the regard of “forming a career”. Okay, maybe if you’re getting your undergrad finished, heading to medical school or law school afterwards, and becoming a professional they aren’t. But graduating from some arts program isn’t going to thrust you into a career path. Far from it. You need to do that for yourself. So what is the point of digging this debt hole and burying ourselves in it? Opening up our minds. Hearing different opinions of our peers and of our professors before we’re old, closed-minded individuals, grumpily dismissing any views that aren’t lined up with our own.

One of my professors said just last week, “Your degree doesn’t define what you will become. It’s a starting point, but you have no idea where you’ll be in ten, twenty or thirty years. And that’s okay.”

God – I love that professor. Honestly, he made me feel so relieved. I’ve been cramming my brain with ideas about my future and how I’m going to get where I want to be when I realized, I really don’t know where I want to be. But I know what I want to be doing – writing. I want to have the freedom to travel and see and do the things I enjoy while getting paid to do so. If that isn’t the life, I don’t know what is.

If you know me, you’d know I change my mind frequently regarding my future career path. I changed from Nursing to PR, then briefly considered Law School (fuck that). Then I mulled over the thought of International Affairs and Foreign Policy (I still don’t really even know what it is, to be honest).

From here on out, I’m not wasting any more energy planning a straight and narrow path. That works for some people, but it’s simply not me. I believe that we are who we are, and we all have a purpose and a passion. We need to find that passion and expand on it; twist and stretch and shape it until it becomes a masterpiece of our own design. I don’t think you can live happily without doing the things you love, and avoiding the things you despise. Some people can follow a direct path from Day One and some people need time to experiment with their lives. Make changes and see what happens. You’re never too old to explore your options.

And with that, the corniest of lines I’ve ever written, I will bring this blog to an end. I sound like I just tried opium for the first time and I’m really stoked on life. Seriously, Mom, I didn’t!

Just in a better mood than I have been for a long while.

Peace out, it’s been a slice,

KG

Before you read this, keep in mind that it’s entirely out of boredom and I understand that I should not pursue a rapping career.

 

BABY RAP

From ovulation to ovulation,

no sign of fertilization

It’s a plague that hurts the nation..

all da ladies want gestation!

Ungh

Babymakin’ shit, single girls is trippin’

Babymakin’ shit, ain’t got no babies sippin’!

Babymakin’ shit, single girls is trippin’

Babymakin’ shit, peed on mattresses they wanna be flippin’

Uh…ya

It’s K Geezy on the track,

Rappin’ bout sperm stayin’ in the sack

Bitches be whining bout they lives

But they ain’t getting no high fives 

pokin’ holes in condoms to lock down a man

you gotta be kiddin’ bitch you insane (<- read that word in jamaican accent)

You gon’ be using government handouts

And I don’t wanna see your offsprings pouts

Can’t even support him with that rack annnnd,

it seems like morals is another thing you lackinnnn

Babymakin’ shit, single girls is trippin’

Babymakin’ shit, ain’t got no babies sippin’!

Babymakin’ shit, single girls is trippin’

Babymakin’ shit, peed on mattresses they wanna be flippin’

 

Copyright 2013 – seriously

On January 10, 2013 By Kristen GrayIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Anxiety 101: Dealing with the Return of (wait for it) School

Ugh.

The two weeks of bliss are coming to an end and second semester has arrived. As much as I love learning new things, I dread the return of a new semester because I’m really bad at getting into a routine. Like, really bad. I usually don’t have my textbooks until finals and my notebook sitch figured out until halfway through the semester. I try not to think about it until it’s actually begun. Or a week in. Not only am I awful at organizing myself, I’m also pretty bad at dealing with the inevitable twattiness of professors who are miserable with their lives.

The way I see it is this: if we pay our schools so much money to educate ourselves, we should in return be graced with the presence of passionate individuals who are interested in the success of their students, rather than just their own successes.

But hey, that’s just me.

On a much less serious note, how exactly does one forget about this? It’s not easy, but I like to use a little thing called alcohol to make me forget that I’m going to have to put on my Big Girl glasses next week. You know what? You may as well drink right up until your first class. Maybe through it. Because after two weeks you’re going to be right back in that pit of despair. So ride those weeks, and ride them hard. Like a motherfucking pony. Sure, you might kill some brain cells along the way but isn’t that what being young is all about? Deterioration of brain, building of character. Sounds pretty legitimate to me.

All of you Canadian assholes moping about the poor performance of our lovely World Junior team now have another reason to be miserable! But please, for the safety of myself and the people around you, don’t cure that with whiskey. BAD combination. I’m talking to you, angry fellas. This gal does not want to deal with mass amounts of alcohol in combination with your patriotic sadness because it’s apt to be either pathetic or terrifying.

Now, it’s time for me to take some cold medication because I’ve become infected with the disease of the season. MMM..that’s nice.

Have a bonerific weekend,

KG