Pick-Up Lines: WWKGD? (What Would KG Do?)

Being a young adult is hard. How do you wear your hair? How much work is too much work? What obscenities can you get away with saying to the opposite sex?

That’s what I’m here for, friends. I’ve been around the bend and back with pick-up lines, as I’m an avid abuser of them.

Did you hear that? Shit, nevermind. I thought my Rari’s alarm was going off.

There are just some pick-up lines that you should never, ever use.

(Story time): One time I was slightly intoxicated and headed into a Mac’s convenience store to buy myself a nice pack of cigarettes. I was a little short on the dough, probably due to the intoxication, so I asked the counter attendant for his cheapest pack of cigarettes. Not only did I do that, but I was thoroughly blown away by the price and threw in a lighter just for kicks. He started laughing, expectedly, and then asked for my phone number, unexpectedly. Excuse me? You want the phone number of the girl who makes an extra effort to buy the cheapest smokes you sell? That’s like saying, “mmm man…I’m dating this girl who wears Louboutin’s, like bitch why can’t you just shop at Payless?”

Nah B you take the fine shit, not someone who’s desperately buying Next cigarettes.

Now that has only happened twice so let’s take this time to reflect on a classic move – The Drive-By.

If you’re a girl you know this “move” way too well. Guys, you must know that this will never work. You see a fine lady walking down the street and whistle or yell some remark from your car that ranges between “I really like your dress, you look like a respectable lady” and “sit on my face”. You think that girl is going to walk up to your car and say, “wow, stranger! Take me for a spin!”?

That kind of woman is either a street urchin or you’re driving a Lambo.

Most appreciated of the pick-up attempts are the creative ones that make you laugh. Why, just tonight I was walking home from work and I had a man rollerblade past me, do two spinning pirouettes, throw up a double gun and then skate on. What kind of a Wednesday pastime is that? I totally would have double-gunned back if he wasn’t wearing a sweatband – close friends of mine know that I am not a fan of sweatbands.

Least appreciated are the lines that have been copped from a movie. Kid, you think I’ve never seen A Night at the Roxbury? No, there’s not a mirror in my pocket. I keep that shit in my purse. No, I wasn’t made in heaven, but the backseat of a Pontiac during parental makeup sex. YOU DON’T KNOW ME!

I could go on and on about how to pick up girls but my best advice to you is just be creative. And do it to me, because I make notes on my iPhone of douchebag guy moves and you might find yourself in a future blog! My phone is literally full of notes like, “wing man dick size” (but I’ll save that story for another time).

All I know is that your eyes are the perfect blend of sea blue and sand brown like a Caribbean beach, and that’s one beach I’d love to get lost on…

Much love from Ottawa!

KG

Navigating Relationships Via Social Media

Let me just start out by apologizing to anyone who reads this regularly. I’ve been slacking on account of my recent discovery of Sons of Anarchy and the beauty that is the main character, Jax. When I fall for a show, I fall hard. I’ve even been dreaming in ‘biker’. Not that that’s anything unusual for me, I’ve been known to rock the leather pant or shirt here and there. I’ve got ink.

I’m basically the epitome of badass (insert laugh here).

Anyhow, this blog is inspired by my night of studying media and considering the future of our relationships while they become increasingly digital. Yep, I’m talking about electronic love. Technological attraction. You liked some guys Facebook photo. Oh, he just commented on your status.

You should probably start naming your babies.

I swear that’s how some people’s mind works, it’s crazy! But don’t worry, I’m here to show you how it all works.

FACEBOOK

First, we’ve got the random add. How did this person find me? Did he/she see me in a photo? Do we have mutual friends? These are all questions you’ve probably asked yourself within minutes of receiving a friend request. The looks of the person in question will probably be the end factor that influences whether or not you accept their request. 

Relationship progression: the Facebook message. Now, here’s where you get down to business. What did they message you? A casual, yet interested “Hey, how’s it going”? Or maybe a more obvious “Girl, I just creeped 756 of your photos before I realized what I was doing”? Take it slow. They could be a nice person, or they could be sitting in their basement in the dark petting their Glock.

Moving on to the ambiguous ‘like’ – these are hard to judge. Maybe the liker just likes the shirt you’re wearing, or the scenery surrounding you. If the photo shows an inch or more of your cleavage, a like from the opposite sex almost always means that they want to give you the D. Same goes for you, guys with abs.

The comment is a tough one. Are they being flirtatious? Or did they point out the fact that you’ve gained 10 pounds over the winter? Depending on the person and their chubby chasing tendencies, that could also be a flirtatious comment as well. Tread carefully.

Finally, I’m going to briefly mention the poke. Just to say, don’t. Poking a girl over Facebook isn’t even close to poking her in real life and you come off like a creepy pervert.

INSTAGRAM

What am I going to say about Instagram, you ask? I’m asking myself that as I write this filler sentence. I know several people with little Instagram romances with people that they don’t even know. They just like photos of the other persons face and/or body and receive likes of the same sort. Where will this lead? Probably nowhere. If you have a story about a real Instagram-instigated relationship, please fill me in inside the comment section below. I might even high-five you, because Instagram doesn’t have a messaging platform…

TWITTER

Tell me you’re not one of those people who starts a relationship over Twitter. If you are, I’ve probably unfollowed you by now. I don’t know about anyone else, but I certainly don’t like my news feed full of compliments and cute 140 character tweets UNLESS they’re towards me.

That being said, if Miguel started tweeting at me over Twitter about going on a date, I would probably not tell him to stop being a douchebag and send me a direct message. Miguel can do whatever he damn well wants.

PINTEREST

I saved this one for last, because not only do relationships not start on Pinterest, they might even be ruined by it. What is your 22-year old boyfriend going to say when he sees your Pinterest page dedicated solely to wedding plans? Or when he discovers your strong desire for a $12 K wedding ring and photoshopped pictures of his little sister in a flower girl dress? He’s going to say bye.

Maybe I’ll regret saying this in 15 years when I am able to afford to decorate my own home like Pinterest says that I should. Where will I be then? In the office with a damn interior designer. I use Pinterest for food and food only. That’s a single girl solution for you.

Basically, what I’ve learned from my time studying mediated relationships is that this is a very sad time for connection between people in our generation. Pick up the phone once in a while. Meet someone for a drink to discuss pertinent topics rather than texting about it. Things get lost in translation a lot of the time. And I can almost guarantee they’d much rather see your face in person than over Snapchat.

That’s it for me, I should totally continue studying for my midterm tomorrow!

Syke, I’m going to watch Sons of Anarchy.

KG

Why Are You Single? How To Answer This Question and More

You might not have guessed this (ha) but I get asked this question all of the time. By my British Grandma. Sometimes by my parents, but I think they’ve perceived how uncomfortable the question makes me.

But seriously, if you’re a loveable human being you probably get asked this question quite often. Some endearing person of the opposite sex will ask you, “why are you still single?”

Excuse my French but what the fuck are you supposed to say in response to that? Why am I still single? Maybe because I don’t give a hoot about societal norms and how I’m supposed to behave. Does age twenty require me to be in a relationship without exception? Maybe I’m single because I get too intoxicated to behave like a good girl. Maybe I meet too many good guys. The question doesn’t have a proper answer.

But this question has lead me to peruse all of the obstacles to dating in your twenties. What makes it so difficult? How can we overcome this? I have some answers for you. And for you, sad and lonely nerd-man. And also you, girl with very little hope. Have faith.

My very first and probably most important piece of advice for you:

Know what you’re looking for.

• If you’re looking for a one-night stand, then that’s just grand. You might be young, you might be old, it really doesn’t matter. Just know what you’re seeking and that’s what you’ll find. If you pretend to want something more from a girl you meet at the bar, you’ll wind up with her in your bed the next morning french-braiding your cats hair and knitting her name into a blanket for your bed. Not cool.
• If you’re looking for a relationship – do me a favour. Don’t seek it at the bar. You’re going to end up sitting at home alone on a Friday night expecting a visit from ton amour and what do you know? Something came up. You look on Facebook the next morning like a total stalker and they’re tagged in 57 pictures from the bar. Doing shots off of a girls fake tits. Don’t get mad, because I warned you.
• If you’re looking for something casual don’t get involved with someone you know is clingy. That shit gets messy. They start planning your wedding on Pinterest before you’ve even gone on an official date together. You need to end it pronto or prepare for a bombardment of love and affection your emotionally unstable self is probably not prepared for.

My next piece of advice:

Know how to make yourself social medially attractive:

• No, I don’t know if that’s an actual term but I have just coined it.
• Don’t be desperate. I’m going to make a rule for you that’s easy to follow: no more than 2 selfies in a row, posted on your wall or posted in your profile pictures.
• Don’t, for the life of you, tweet incessantly about going to the gym. It’s okay if you do it here or there but if it looks like you’ve planned it, time after time, it gets a bit monotonous and almost like you’re trying to shove it in our faces (you are, right?).
• Be light-hearted. No one wants to see your sappy tweets, country song lyrics, or #ThingsGirlsSay hashtags. We know what girls say. 50% of us are of the same species so cool your jets. Hashtag single girls are the ones I referenced above who knit their name into a blanket for you for Canada Day. I know, right? No one gives presents on Canada Day. SHE DOES.

Next in line:

How to Answer The “Uncomfortable Question”:

• Tell your friends, family and members of the opposite sex that you’re tired of stooping for someone below your level and you’re waiting for Mr. Right, who just so happens to make over 500 K per year. 
• If you have some obsolete ethnic combination, tell people you’re searching for someone who matches said combination. That wonderful 1/2 Jewish, 1/4 Indian, 1/4 Taiwanese, with Republican heritage but changed his/her views to Democratic after witnessing a shark attack along Venice Beach. They’re out there somewhere, and your heart belongs to them.
• Tell this to your family especially – you’ve dated too many drug dealers to know that the type you once had has put you in way too many life threatening situations, so you’re searching for a new type… one that preferably doesn’t spend all of his time trying to barter you off in compensation for an unpaid debt.
• OR, you could just use my go-to. You’re waiting to become famous so that you can marry Miguel.

People in today’s society make ‘being single’ out as if it’s a bad thing. You’re in your twenties, not a spinster. Being single precedes the avoidance of awkward family interviews, returning gifts that were heartfelt but unattractive, and the revealing of qualities that are unpleasant but bound to make their way to the surface. Like your obsession with hand sanitizer, or cleaning the toilet bowl after every use. You people know how fucked up you are.

That being said, I love each and every one of you for your own individual qualities. Don’t give that shit up for the chance to be with someone who isn’t just what you need.

Love from,

A wine drunk KG

xx

How To Deal With *Emotional* Females

You can substitute emotional for hormonal, or chocolate craving demon soul-suckers. Whatever pleases you.

Since I’m writing this blog I’ll be honest with you – I currently fall into this category. I know, I know. Fuck women tears, I’m hard as nails and all of that nonsense. But when push comes to shove, I still have the same damn babymaking organs inside of me and they still cause me to get. a little. emotional.

Or a lot.

These past few days in particular I’ve been all up in people’s business like Oprah Winfrey and I can’t catch a break. I had so much aggression inside of me this morning I went to the gym and worked harder than the dude training to be a bodybuilder (confession: that’s a full out lie but it felt like it).

So you want to know how to deal with us? I think that’s a fair enough request. We get to have our way with an excuse that generally flies, unless you want metaphorical daggers shot at you. Who knows, she might even have a real dagger. Or knowledge of kickboxing.

Here’s my advice to you, from the perspective of a hormonal devil woman:

1. Carry an unfinished chocolate bar with you. Seriously, wherever you go. You could be sitting in class or at work and have the chick next to you flip out because you don’t have an extra pen for her to borrow. But you know what you do have? Chocolate. She will be sated and you will enjoy the rest of your time beside her free from elbow jabs.
2. Don’t make unnecessary noises. It’s a proven fact that you’re going to get smacked in the groin if you walk past a hormonal woman while you’re whistling in high spirits. Do that inside your head, save yourself the pain.
3. Rehearse some scripts. You don’t have to be a Hollywood actor to please a grumpy female. Just let her chat your ear off, find some skin coloured ear plugs, nod and say, “Oh no, that does sound awful. Are you sure you’re okay? I’ll kick their ass. No way! Gosh, you’re such a strong, powerful woman.” See, not so hard to remember, is it? You can (and most likely will have to) do that in your sleep!
4. Midol. Sounds excessive, but it’s an investment that I can’t stress enough. It will pay off. Slip some Rohipnol in there to shake things up. Surprise! That one fell asleep!
5. Don’t, I repeat, don’t buy her drinks at the bar. Little bit of whiskey on the gums works for babies, but babies also have a lower alcohol tolerance and don’t know how to speak. You think her rants about her day were bad before? Wait until you buy her that shot of Jack Daniels. Her day will turn from a shitstorm into a full blown hurricane. Don’t stay in her path.

These basic guidelines should leave you headache-free and could potentially prevent a groin injury! Don’t take them lightly. I know, I come from the gender of ovaries. We try to come in peace but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. Prevention is key!

I’m heading to a comedy show tonight to cure my woes. Prepare the flood safety kit, Hurricane KG is gonna hit Ottawa tonight.

Enjoy Your Valentine’s Day. Seriously.

It’s coming. The 14th of February – that date that rolls around once every year as if on queue (oh wait, it is). Is your heart palpitating, ladies? Knees shaking? Are you terrified at the very thought of being alone with your cats on V-Day?

Simple answer: don’t be.

First things first, think about the things you can take advantage of if you’re a single person on this holiday.

• Day after Valentine’s deals on food. You might even make some new friends at the store, as long as you aren’t battling over the last bag of Hershey’s kisses.
• Movie dates with single friends. Buy the movie theatre large size popcorn, but wait. Don’t eat it. Throw it at every happy couple you see right before they make-out while you drink from your flask and laugh. That’d be a riot.
• Buy a bottle of wine. You don’t have to split it with anyone! You can drink the whole thing!
• Spend some quality time reflecting on your accomplishments and feeling good about how well you’re doing, if you’re doing well (maybe humble brag a little bit on Twitter so everyone else knows it, too).

Yeah, maybe it would be rad to receive flowers and chocolates one day a year. Wait – that doesn’t sound right. There are 365 days in a year and we only have one day that we should expect to be gifted chocolates by a loved one? I can think of many reasons why I should be gifted chocolates. I received a B on a paper; I think that means you should give me chocolates. I didn’t throw up when I was drunk last night, you should most likely give me a dozen roses (red are my favourite). Surely your boyfriend didn’t bring you a stuffed teddy bear when you didn’t just roll over after he asked you to have sex last night?

Clearly, I’ve never been a big romantic. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been in a relationship that inspired me to feel anything but disdain, but I would totally prefer to have a home-cooked meal prepared for me any night of the week as opposed to someone spending a couple hundred dollars on gifts, dinner and wine one night a year.

My advice to the guys out there who are actually in a relationship: do something creative. You might end up spending less money, and making a better impression on your wifey. Go balls to the wall. Put your back into it. All those things. I know I’ve been ragging on happy couples but you should enjoy your day as well. You commitment loving, tender spirits, you. I mean, If we’re going to have this one-day-a-year love fest, it should at least be creative and meaningful and not just a product of February 13th shopping at Walmart and the local florist.

That’s it, that’s all for today.

Enjoy your rain-speckled days, kids!

KG

How To Be a Single Girl in a Relationship Dominated World

Ladies, I know it’s hard being a single girl in the winter, especially when you’re surrounded by couples gazing into each others eyes over spiced lattes. Maybe there’s a fire flickering in the background of this image, you can make that call. Sometimes they walk around sharing pockets and you imagine their hands are just like a warm ball of kittens (the ones on the Royale commercial, if we’re being specific).

I get it. You feel low. That’s why I’ve got some tips for you to bring you out of the gutter and into the dating pool!

Tweet about it. All the time. Seriously, guys dig that shit. The occasional “in need of a cuddle” tweet won’t do – Oh no, no. Men don’t understand hints as subtle as that. You need to bring your best material to the table. I’m talking military style man-bagging. Some suggestions include:

“My body pillow just lost all of its feathers due to the aggressive cuddle fest we just had!”

“I just stuck a photo of Ryan Gosling’s face to a blow up doll. We’re about to call it a night, haha!!!”

“The amount of batteries I go through a week is crazy! The cashier at Home Hardware is starting to recognize me!”

Feel free to use these, or make several up with your own special twist. If it was socially acceptable to walk around with a shirt that said single and ready to mingle I’d tell you to do that but it’s not. Unless you want to look like this guy.

Go out to the bars and get super wasted. What doesn’t say relationship-ready like the girl who’s dancing on top of tables, drinking straight from a forty of vodka that’s being poured down her throat by a big Serbian guy named Boroslav, and spilling the rest of her mixed drinks on her white vagina length dress? Exactly, nothing! My suggestion is to drink an entire box (it has to be a box) of wine before hitting the clubs. In my experience, it seems to set the right tone for the rest of the night.

Hit on every attractive guy you meet. The reason for this is obvious – at least one of them is bound to go with it. Think about it this way: if you’re throwing darts at a dartboard, you don’t always hit the bulls-eye but it feels pretty damn good to get the dart on the board! If one of them turns you down, go ahead and hit on his friend. He probably didn’t notice you making the rounds earlier, so it wouldn’t hurt to try, right?

Take photos of yourself at least 8 times a day. Post them on a social networking site. It doesn’t really matter which one, but ideally pick the one that gets the highest amount of dude traffic. Be sure to use the highest saturation filter on the photo before you post it to avoid looking normal. Guys don’t like “the usual”, they want something that stands out. An orange filter says I’m fun, and not afraid to try new things!

A tip for posing: duckface. Duckface everywhere, every time. What guy doesn’t like BJ lips? Surely he won’t notice that you’re pushing them out, it’s really not even that obvious.

Talk about how single you are. To everyone, even people you just met. Why? Because then there’s no question in anyone’s mind that you’re available, that’s why! You can talk to your therapist about it, your cat about it, I’d even tell the Kardashians while you’re watching them take New York City. Don’t leave anyone left unspoken to. Complaining about your melodramatic relationship desires just proves to them that you care enough to include them in your life.

The only further thing that I can suggest is that you shouldn’t talk to me about it. As you can see from the tips listed above, I’ve studied this behaviour and its success in full and I’ve told you all there is to tell.

Best of luck, single ladies of the world!

KG