Leaving Canada for the Motherland

Guess what? We’re two weeks out from the big move!

My UK visa is valid in exactly 10 days.

I’m getting on a flight from this godforsaken snowy fuckhole of a country (lol, joking Mom) and saying farewell to Caesars, hockey, a national animal as awesome as the beaver, and people that say “eh?” and “bud” at the end of every other sentence. I’m going to miss it. But there are a few things that I’m looking forward to…

British TV

Tom introduced me to Frankie Boyle a few months ago and the comprehension that something that offensive could take a prime spot on evening television blew me away. Not to mention the fact that they have countless game show style programs featuring comedians with very little censorship. In Canada the most offensive television you can expect to see is Family Guy on a Sunday evening or re-runs of The Simpsons. It’s probably one of the many reasons we’re labelled boring. But we also haven’t got thousands of years of offending people and empire building under our belt, so cut a bit of slack, would ya?

Pies and Pastys

Imagine a country that puts its best meat inside of a pastry. Isn’t that a world you would want to live in? Well, wait no longer. That country has actually been around for, erm, centuries.

Rain (hear me out)

I’ve often been told by friends and family that I’m going to hate the rain and I haven’t prepared myself enough. Guess what, dickheads? It snows here for almost 5 months of the year. Do you know what’s worse than walking around in rain? Walking around in freezing rain. Do you know whats worse than carrying an umbrella around? Putting five extra layers on your torso and your feet because the temperature has dipped below -20. Every country has ways to justify the weather where they live, and often the ones with harsh climates have a better economy because their citizens are more resilient, and they get their whining out about the weather so they can focus when they get into work.

Living by the ocean

AKA HUMIDITY. Yeah, Canada, your dry ass winters gross me out. I’m tired of having scaly skin and brittle hair. I want to see water that isn’t frozen again.

Not being scared of offending people 

I do love how PC Canada is. Let’s just get that straight. I’m glad people feel safe and comfortable here. However, there are still assholes. There are still racists and sexists and pedophiles and rapists. Not speaking about them doesn’t magically make them disappear. We are not somehow more safe because we refuse to joke about things that are nasty. Loosen up just a tiny bit, be vigilant and care for people, but come on. Joke about the people that deserve to be belittled. For me.

Full English fry-up

Just look at it would you? How could you not fly 7 hours just for some of that goodness in the morning?

Cheap(er) transport

Surely people in the UK won’t agree with this one, but you must not have ever lived in Canada. Or North America at all, for that matter. Sure, our land is fucking massive. But driving from Ottawa to Toronto is about 10 hours round trip, and a flight costs about $200-250 round trip. Train? At least $200. I think you can get a bus for $80 round trip. Travelling from city-to-city in Canada would take you months, and you’d need a car. It’s cheaper for me to fly from Toronto to the United Kingdom than Toronto to Vancouver. Discount airlines would do well here (HINT HINT).

I’m excited for weekend trips around Europe; the closeness of everything while maintaining such a variety of culture. I’m just excited.

See you in ten days, breakfast of my dreams!

KG

Willpower: Apparently I Have Some

My friends, it’s been a long journey. But I’ve finally made it to 30 days with absolutely no drinking or other… related behaviours.

Say what?! You heard me. Suck it, societal norms.

I’d just like to give a shout-out to my n-words who bought me cran-sodas at the bar and told me I was fun without alcohol. Because I am. Quite possibly even more fun.

Needless to say I’ve learned a few things about myself and other people in the last month and I’d like to share them with you via words. I’ll just let them flow out of my fingertips filter-free starting…..nnnnow.

1. RED BULL is not an equivalent to drinking. Yes, it gets you hyped up and you feel like dancing all night but so does cocaine and cocaine is certainly not good for you. I regretted it as soon as 4:30 am rolled around and I was lying in my bed practically convulsing with energy. “Maybe I’ll just not sleep and go to the gym in an hour?” I thought to myself. This thought was immediately followed by a ‘crash’ that would put the god damn movie Crash to shame. Sorry, Sandra Bullock. I slept for days and dreamt of sword-fighting on unicorns. Never again.
2. People really don’t like hearing that you’re doing sober things. I received several text messages asking what was up for the night and I slowly learned that people do NOT respond when you tell them you’re playing Scrabble. And ask them to join, because your cat doesn’t know how to spell.
3. Ordering cranberry sodas at the bar makes you feel very, very pregnant. The bartender nods and turns away, just to turn back and repeat your order. Wait. You don’t want… *looks down at stomach, back up to face* Sure, sure. Coming up.
4. And on that note, what the fuck is with the size difference between non-alcoholic and alcoholic drinks? You order a bar rail drink and they give you a tiny ass six ounce cup and fill it – over-flowingly – with ice, three-quarters full with liquor and then a minuscule amount of your choice of mix.  But then you order the same thing sans alcohol and they give you the biggest cup they have in the restaurant, sometimes a pail if it suits them, and little to no ice. Like, thank you, I did want to look 12 years old tonight! I’m so glad you could help me with that. Hmm, it’s almost as if they don’t want you to come back to the bar and order another $2 drink. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.
5. Drunk people do not respect your personal space. I think that’s a given, and almost everyone knows it. But one thing you should refrain from doing is telling them politely to respect it. I swear, you tell one guy to take his arm off your shoulder and a hush falls over the entire bar. Everyone looks over. Did she just do that? That poor guy, he was just trying to be drunk. What an insensitive bitch. LESSON LEARNED, just walk away.
6. Some people will stick around, some people won’t. I kind of expected that. But the weirdest thing about it all is finding out who is purely uncomfortable socializing with someone who’s not fucked up. I was totally fine after a few weeks with going out (to some places) while my friends were drinking around me. But then you run into people who literally do not know how to have a conversation with someone who’s not on that level. You’re going to have challenges later in life if that’s a problem you’re facing.
7. I LOST SO MUCH STOMACH WEIGHT. Almost a big enough reason to continue not drinking on it’s own. But I gotta add wine back into the mix.

Biggest lesson learned is that I increased my happiness tenfold. I can wake up early, eat well, treat my body well. I get the lure but I had too much trouble resisting it, so the step back helped. Thirty days might not be a lot in the big picture, but man did it change my perspective on a lot of things.

So with that done, I’m moving on to my next challenge. Thirty days eating paleo. It can’t be too hard if I’m allowed to eat bacon.

xx

KG

LifeHack [Alternatives]: The Homeless Edition

After a particularly boring day of searching the interweb for interesting articles and tidbits to read, I found myself on the “LifeHack” website. If you’ve never been on this site, here’s the rundown:

It’s basically a website where they collect all of the generic things in the entire world that people could possibly agree on and put them into lists. It’s like Buzzfeed without the GIF’s. Shareable, but lame as tits. I found myself unable to leave the website – I was simply drawn into the ridiculousness. The site had lists like “Things You Need to Do In Your Twenties” (which included activities such as a weekend-long bender, attending a music festival, travelling the world and buying an expensive item that will sit in your closet) and “Habits You’re Better Off Without” (where you’d find procrastination, complaining, gossiping, among others).

Thanks LifeHack, but I don’t need a list to tell me I shouldn’t be procrastinating. If lists cured all my problems, well wouldn’t you just be the next Jesus? I’d be travelling around the world on little to no cash (because there’s a list for that) not complaining about a single thing, I’d probably attend every music festival on the face of the planet and thanks to your list about the “20 Most Magnificent Places to Read Books” I’d read the entire Harry Potter series in libraries across the world.

“Okay, we get it,” say the creators of LifeHack. But I’m not done yet.

I discovered after several more hours on the website – like I said, I was entranced – that these lists seem to be directed toward the average middle-to-high income web reader, who is generally 20 to 30 years in age.

What about those who are excluded? Surely homeless people aren’t going to read the “9 Daily Habits That Will Change Your Life” (visualize, define priorities, create a morning routine, drink more water) and think, “wow this is exactly what I need!”

That’s where I got the idea to create LifeHack [Alternatives]: the article for those who aren’t generic, middle-income young adults that enjoy reading lists of things that they already know. Articles that won’t get shared on Facebook and Twitter but on the streets. Or in the public library, or wherever the homeless use the internet.

A Mini-Guide to Living Without a Home

Written by: KG

1. Start Your Bender

First things first – what’s your poison? Commonly abused are alcohol, methamphetamine and heroin as well as prescription medications. Which one do you think you can commit to? Remember, this choice will define the people you will hang around with for the remainder of your life. Choose carefully. Who needs a weekend-long bender when yours can just never end?

2. Pick a Spot, Any Spot

You know the easiest way to convince someone that you ARE in fact homeless, is sticking to one spot. That way, they will pass by you continuously and become convinced that you have made this 2 foot squared spot your “home”.

3. Don’t Resort to Begging

Begging is such a clichéd way to earn your living. Try to get creative with your finances! Some suggestions include fountain diving for change, emptying tip jars into your pockets at your local Starbucks, breaking into Newsstand change boxes and intercepting mail that looks valuable. These are just starting points, so feel free to innovate. The world is your change purse.

4. You Need a Scooter

They come in handy for intercepting packages on the go, stealing Pizza Pizza right out of that drunk college students’ hand, and simply feeling the wind in your hair from time to time.

Plus, all of the coolest homeless people have scooters.

5. Now, You Need a Pet

Nothing stirs empathy in other humans like a pet! And may I suggest a dog? Cats are independent creatures so they will get sick of your shit and go do their own thing. Dogs as a species have also perfected the “puppy-dog eyes” which you’ve been trying to get right for months. Buy a mirror and practice, practice, practice!

6. Get Some Dirtier Shoes

Warm feet are nice, but if you’re sitting on the street wearing a pair of Uggs you’re unlikely to find any change in your cup. I suggest instead investing in a pair of stretchy Walmart-esque slippers and scuffing some holes in the edges. There you go, much better.

Just keep your Uggs in your bag until you have to sleep, and pop ’em on real quick.

7. People LOVE Stories

…So you should start perfecting yours now. Are you saving up for a vacation to Cuba? Or simply just a slice of mouthwatering pizza from the shop around the corner? Are you going to take the honest route? Or the comedic route? Your options are essentially endless. If you’re sick of using your voice to tell people this story, all you need to do is find a scrap of cardboard and make a sign.

“Saving up for a penis enlargement, I’m a bit short”. That’s the best one I’ve heard so far, but feel free to make your own that truly represents you and your goals.

If you have a talent, put it to use. Strum the strings off of that guitar. Sing until you can’t sing anymore. Why would you take classes to perfect your art when you can make mad coin on the sidewalk? With any luck, you’ll become YouTube famous and live a cushioned life forever.

DISCLAIMER: I do not – I repeat, DO NOT – advise anyone to actually follow this guide. I simply hate the LifeHack website and I’m bored before work.

KISSES AND HUGS,

KG

I’ve Never Been This Nice on a Monday.

Drinking every day – even just one to two casual glasses of wine on a weeknight – can play a huge part in numbing emotions that should be experienced and dealt with, rather than ignored. Last night I came to a hypothetical wall in my sober month and just became overwhelmed with emotion. And I mean overwhelmed. I just started crying about how much my parents loved me; how much time they’ve dedicated to loving me, and making sure I grew into a functional adult (still working on that part).

I watched a video on the inspirational Upworthy website last week – if you haven’t heard of it, or looked at it in a while, you can check it out here.  The video depicted a bunch of average young adults writing letters to those people that inspired them, and then being asked to read the letter to the people of whom it was about. It was absolutely beautiful stuff. Sometimes we take for granted the expression of our love and gratitude for those closest to us in life. We forget to remind them, time and time again, how much their support and leadership is truly admired.

This is for those people in my life.

#1:

This woman is my biggest inspiration. I’ve pushed her to her limit one too many times but she never forgets what’s important in our relationship. She always manages to find the perfect balance between disappointment and encouragement, discipline and freedom. I couldn’t ask for a better mother and role model. She’s taught me some of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned. Just because people make bad choices doesn’t make them bad people.  Just because you’re in the wrong now doesn’t mean you always will be. And just because you’re not on the right path doesn’t mean you can’t change it. She has always been my biggest supporter in following what makes me truly happy and not just what other people expect me to do. Our life path isn’t set in stone, we must forge our own path to be happy and this takes a lot of trial and error.

#2:

While I was lying in bed last night listening to the murmur of my roommates television set I was suddenly taken back to my first house – almost like déjà vu. I remember lying in the same bed at the age of 13 or 14 after having a remarkably bad day in high school (because let’s get real, who didn’t every once in a while) and my dad would crack the door and say goodnight, or come in and give me a kiss on the forehead.  I would start crying after he left, not out of sadness, but because in that moment I could just tell how much he loved me and would always love me. In my younger years I was a huge ‘Daddy’s Girl’. I’d sleep on the couch until he got home from working late shifts just to hear him say goodnight. My dad has never been the most stable about anything except for the love he carries for his family, especially his children. That’s one thing I’ll always be able to rely on. He went through ups and downs but has always managed to get back on stable ground.  It amazes me how such a great person can struggle so hard with realizing how great he is, and how important he is in the eyes of many. I hope he never forgets that.

#3:

Somehow this guy has been a part of my life since I was 13 and I haven’t gotten sick of him. Rare. He’s a great friend, but even more than that, I see him as a sort of muse to my creativity. I can be in a month long lull where I won’t write a single thing and just a few simple words of encouragement from him can spark something – something like the idea for this article, for example. I see him as a little fist that knocks on the light bulb above my head that temporarily went out (or maybe he claps, if the light bulb is a clapper). Either way, the intelligent and eloquent manner he converses in often helps put my ideas in order. Often it’s not the idea that I’m lacking, but the motivation to produce a finished product. He can help to provide the missing words.

#4:

I have a lot of respect for this man simply due to his honest and direct nature. He doesn’t filter his words in order to please others and the admiration they feel for him because of this fact is obvious. It takes a backbone to tell people something that they may not really want to hear, but that they need to hear. This isn’t to say he has absolutely no filter – he knows how to carry on a civilized conversation. But if he gets a phone call from a telemarketer while he’s busy… let’s just say you don’t want to be on the other end of that phone call. Not only is he perfectly outspoken, he cares a lot about the people that are close to him. It’s entirely too obvious. A self-titled “half man, half unicorn” he’s not afraid to be different and in turn he inspires others to do the same.

#5:

Four years older than me, he’s always been a source of leadership. That being said, I never modeled my behaviour after his although I probably should have. As siblings we couldn’t be more opposite. He’s grounded, committed, safe and responsible. He takes risks but calculates them in advance and I couldn’t be more proud of the person he is today. I know I could turn to him in a time of need and he would help me without a second’s hesitation and I’m sure he would do his best to do the same for a stranger if they were in a sticky situation.

It’s not that I didn’t realize how many amazing people I had in my life before, but I’m just now realizing how blessed I am to know these people and that their presence should never, ever be taken for granted. Thanks to these and the countless others that make me happy to be the person I am. Much love!

KG

KG’s Prohibition

Day Four.

As I stand behind the bar at work, I get antsy. My brain knows how easy it would be to drink the leftovers of the daiquiri I just made for the girl sitting at table 15. I take another sip of coffee. What about the wine sitting in the fridge? Three ounces really isn’t enough to justify leaving the bottle in there…

Who knew it would be so hard to completely stop consuming alcohol? I could stand not partying so hard but casual drinks just seem so harmless. Coincidentally, they have also become ingrained in my system as normal. Being that I can barely go a day without having one.

But as of today, I’ve gone FOUR!

Okay, please hold your laughter. Small accomplishments matter too, right? Because soon four will become ten and thats a third of the way to my goal! Woohoo!

My body’s all, “Yo KG, where that funky juice at? You know the one. That clear stuff that makes my neurotransmitters forget to pass on messages! C’monnn angel, don’t tell me you’ve forgotten.”

…because that’s the way the part of my brain that enjoys alcohol talks. Like a 90’s rapper.

“You mean I have to make responsible decisions, again?” my frontal lobe rolls its eyes. Or my eyes. Whatever. My body is not used to putting in full effort and not running on mammalian reflexes (breathe, walk, blink, repeat).

Why am I putting myself through this, you ask?

First of all, I want to know that I can. What if all the alcohol in the world ran out and I only lived for fourteen days before my systems shut down? I need to know that I can survive for at least a month. That seems like a more justifiable time to get end-of-the-world shit done.

Second, have you met Kristen? If so, you shouldn’t be asking yourself this question. I need to do this.

There are many, many more reasons that you probably don’t need to know but one of the most important to me is finding out who I can do without. Yes, who. It’s going to be nice to find out who the people in my life are that won’t be around when there aren’t any substances being abused. There’s certain people in your life that you know just bring you down, but sometimes it’s difficult to determine exactly who those people are.

The general idea of this blog is that people will read it, and then it will be [number of readers] times harder to give up halfway through. SO LIKE, IF YOU SEE ME DRINKING, SLAP ME OR SOMETHING.

Even if it’s water, just in case.

It’s time for me to stop making an ass out of myself. Some footsteps do not deserve to be followed in. I hope that you can support my decision. If you can – and do – I promise you I will totally make out with your friendship forever. I’ll buy it roses every anniversary and open doors for it everywhere we go. And you. I’ll open doors for you.

xx

KG

Pick-Up Lines: WWKGD? (What Would KG Do?)

Being a young adult is hard. How do you wear your hair? How much work is too much work? What obscenities can you get away with saying to the opposite sex?

That’s what I’m here for, friends. I’ve been around the bend and back with pick-up lines, as I’m an avid abuser of them.

Did you hear that? Shit, nevermind. I thought my Rari’s alarm was going off.

There are just some pick-up lines that you should never, ever use.

(Story time): One time I was slightly intoxicated and headed into a Mac’s convenience store to buy myself a nice pack of cigarettes. I was a little short on the dough, probably due to the intoxication, so I asked the counter attendant for his cheapest pack of cigarettes. Not only did I do that, but I was thoroughly blown away by the price and threw in a lighter just for kicks. He started laughing, expectedly, and then asked for my phone number, unexpectedly. Excuse me? You want the phone number of the girl who makes an extra effort to buy the cheapest smokes you sell? That’s like saying, “mmm man…I’m dating this girl who wears Louboutin’s, like bitch why can’t you just shop at Payless?”

Nah B you take the fine shit, not someone who’s desperately buying Next cigarettes.

Now that has only happened twice so let’s take this time to reflect on a classic move – The Drive-By.

If you’re a girl you know this “move” way too well. Guys, you must know that this will never work. You see a fine lady walking down the street and whistle or yell some remark from your car that ranges between “I really like your dress, you look like a respectable lady” and “sit on my face”. You think that girl is going to walk up to your car and say, “wow, stranger! Take me for a spin!”?

That kind of woman is either a street urchin or you’re driving a Lambo.

Most appreciated of the pick-up attempts are the creative ones that make you laugh. Why, just tonight I was walking home from work and I had a man rollerblade past me, do two spinning pirouettes, throw up a double gun and then skate on. What kind of a Wednesday pastime is that? I totally would have double-gunned back if he wasn’t wearing a sweatband – close friends of mine know that I am not a fan of sweatbands.

Least appreciated are the lines that have been copped from a movie. Kid, you think I’ve never seen A Night at the Roxbury? No, there’s not a mirror in my pocket. I keep that shit in my purse. No, I wasn’t made in heaven, but the backseat of a Pontiac during parental makeup sex. YOU DON’T KNOW ME!

I could go on and on about how to pick up girls but my best advice to you is just be creative. And do it to me, because I make notes on my iPhone of douchebag guy moves and you might find yourself in a future blog! My phone is literally full of notes like, “wing man dick size” (but I’ll save that story for another time).

All I know is that your eyes are the perfect blend of sea blue and sand brown like a Caribbean beach, and that’s one beach I’d love to get lost on…

Much love from Ottawa!

KG

The Do’s and Dont’s of Fast Food

I’m an expert in this topic, so you can trust everything that I say. Not only do I partake in the drunk eating of such foods as McDonalds, Wendy’s, Denny’s and so on, but I also eat them when I’m sober. Every time it’s a challenge. I think to myself, “Yeah, it was worse than dog vomit last time. But I only have four dollars, maybe they’ve changed their recipe?”

Fast food restaurants do not change their recipe.

I swear on the life of baby Jesus Wendy’s carves the recipes ON the bongs of their employees so that even though they’re all stoned, the recipes were the last thing they saw and thus their baked mind is still perusing the ins and outs of the delicacy they call the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger. If that doesn’t look delicious to you, go drink a bottle of nail polish remover.

Whatever you do, don’t inhale when someone walks by you with a bag of fast food. Have you ever been walking behind someone on the street that’s eating Taco Bell? Or even worse, stuck in a car with them? That cheesy gordita – diarrhea smell that all of their food seems to give off is overpowering. I heard troops in Russia have started using it in place of tear gas. True story.

All of Taco Bell’s food has been lumped under that smell, I’m assuming because everyone who has diarrhea probably at some point in their day ate a cheesy gordita crunch and you know what they say about the power of scent relation…

Eating fast food while sober is the absolute worst, because you can’t even blame the inept brain processes of an alcohol-filled night. You were at the prime of your game, you just hit a moment of weakness. Maybe your coworker laughed at your tie and your brain said, “It’s okay, Jim. You go to Dairy Queen right now and get a large cookie dough Blizzard to drown your sorrows in. That IS an ugly ass tie.”

When you’re drunk, though, it’s another story. You order a Filet-o-Fish at McDonald’s and you think you’ve just been served the finest Atlantic salmon. “Excuse me good sir, did you just catch this this morning? It tastes delectable,” you say in your finest Fish expert voice. The McDonald’s employee stares at you with the kind of empty eyes only McDonald’s employees have, and continues deep-frying the pink chicken sludge. You just know later he’s going to go home and weep in his visor until he falls asleep.

Shawarma is quite possibly the worst thing you could feed yourself while intoxicated. In Ottawa, shawarma restaurants litter the downtown area. There’s one on every block, so it’s the convenience factor that gets you. But you know that if you’re drunk enough to eat a shawarma with EXTRA garlic sauce before going to bed, you’re also too drunk to remember to brush your teeth afterwards, leading to a garlic-induced vomit session upon waking.

As a final note, never order a pizza over the phone if you’re African-Americaned out. It’s safe to say you will fall asleep before it arrives 45 minutes later and they really don’t like that (I’ve done it more than once).

Take these tips as a lesson, young grasshoppers, and just avoid the garbage completely. Stop at your local food market after the bar and pick up a pre-made salad! You know I’m kidding, but wouldn’t that be awesome?

Love and kisses,

KG

Navigating Relationships Via Social Media

Let me just start out by apologizing to anyone who reads this regularly. I’ve been slacking on account of my recent discovery of Sons of Anarchy and the beauty that is the main character, Jax. When I fall for a show, I fall hard. I’ve even been dreaming in ‘biker’. Not that that’s anything unusual for me, I’ve been known to rock the leather pant or shirt here and there. I’ve got ink.

I’m basically the epitome of badass (insert laugh here).

Anyhow, this blog is inspired by my night of studying media and considering the future of our relationships while they become increasingly digital. Yep, I’m talking about electronic love. Technological attraction. You liked some guys Facebook photo. Oh, he just commented on your status.

You should probably start naming your babies.

I swear that’s how some people’s mind works, it’s crazy! But don’t worry, I’m here to show you how it all works.

FACEBOOK

First, we’ve got the random add. How did this person find me? Did he/she see me in a photo? Do we have mutual friends? These are all questions you’ve probably asked yourself within minutes of receiving a friend request. The looks of the person in question will probably be the end factor that influences whether or not you accept their request. 

Relationship progression: the Facebook message. Now, here’s where you get down to business. What did they message you? A casual, yet interested “Hey, how’s it going”? Or maybe a more obvious “Girl, I just creeped 756 of your photos before I realized what I was doing”? Take it slow. They could be a nice person, or they could be sitting in their basement in the dark petting their Glock.

Moving on to the ambiguous ‘like’ – these are hard to judge. Maybe the liker just likes the shirt you’re wearing, or the scenery surrounding you. If the photo shows an inch or more of your cleavage, a like from the opposite sex almost always means that they want to give you the D. Same goes for you, guys with abs.

The comment is a tough one. Are they being flirtatious? Or did they point out the fact that you’ve gained 10 pounds over the winter? Depending on the person and their chubby chasing tendencies, that could also be a flirtatious comment as well. Tread carefully.

Finally, I’m going to briefly mention the poke. Just to say, don’t. Poking a girl over Facebook isn’t even close to poking her in real life and you come off like a creepy pervert.

INSTAGRAM

What am I going to say about Instagram, you ask? I’m asking myself that as I write this filler sentence. I know several people with little Instagram romances with people that they don’t even know. They just like photos of the other persons face and/or body and receive likes of the same sort. Where will this lead? Probably nowhere. If you have a story about a real Instagram-instigated relationship, please fill me in inside the comment section below. I might even high-five you, because Instagram doesn’t have a messaging platform…

TWITTER

Tell me you’re not one of those people who starts a relationship over Twitter. If you are, I’ve probably unfollowed you by now. I don’t know about anyone else, but I certainly don’t like my news feed full of compliments and cute 140 character tweets UNLESS they’re towards me.

That being said, if Miguel started tweeting at me over Twitter about going on a date, I would probably not tell him to stop being a douchebag and send me a direct message. Miguel can do whatever he damn well wants.

PINTEREST

I saved this one for last, because not only do relationships not start on Pinterest, they might even be ruined by it. What is your 22-year old boyfriend going to say when he sees your Pinterest page dedicated solely to wedding plans? Or when he discovers your strong desire for a $12 K wedding ring and photoshopped pictures of his little sister in a flower girl dress? He’s going to say bye.

Maybe I’ll regret saying this in 15 years when I am able to afford to decorate my own home like Pinterest says that I should. Where will I be then? In the office with a damn interior designer. I use Pinterest for food and food only. That’s a single girl solution for you.

Basically, what I’ve learned from my time studying mediated relationships is that this is a very sad time for connection between people in our generation. Pick up the phone once in a while. Meet someone for a drink to discuss pertinent topics rather than texting about it. Things get lost in translation a lot of the time. And I can almost guarantee they’d much rather see your face in person than over Snapchat.

That’s it for me, I should totally continue studying for my midterm tomorrow!

Syke, I’m going to watch Sons of Anarchy.

KG

Pre-St. Paddy’s Day Advice For My Little Ones

Well folks, it’s my favourite holiday of the year again. I can celebrate without any guilt or worry for my liver because I am one quarter Irish. That means that one quarter of my liver is dedicated to the ingestion and digestion of whiskey, one of four of my children will be a ginger and I look excellent in any shade of green.

Not only is this party holiday extremely dangerous for those with alcoholic tendencies, it’s entertaining for those who know how to both make the best of the holiday, stretch out their capacity and capture footage on camera or video. I’m here to tell you just how to do that.

Make the best of your holiday:

• Paint yourself. I saw a man today fully painted green with a ginger wig on and a sign that read “World’s Biggest Leprechaun”… it’s the day before St. Patrick’s Day, so clearly he is getting the biggest bang for his buck. I guarantee he will sleep in that costume and wear it tomorrow. RIP Leprechaun sheets.
• Don’t be a pussy. Drink whiskey or beer for at least half of your consumption tomorrow. JD is your best friend for the day. Treat him as such!
• Don’t look for love through those blurry shamrock shaped sunglasses you bought at the dollar store. I promise you, people look 10x less lovely in the light of day than they do through the light of your blinking shamrock glasses. Don’t wake up next to someone and find that out for yourself.
• Keggers are for maximizing beer intake in minimal time. Move around. Do keg stands. Let people pour from bottles into your mouth. Better drunk than sorry, isn’t that the saying? No? Whatever.

Stretch out your capacity:

• I’m all for taking breaks, but don’t take naps. Naps are for old folks and toddlers. Are you in Kindergarten? Wow, well up-top for being able to function a computer and read my blog. If not, put on your drinking socks and stop fantasizing about your pillow. Sleep is only going to make you more tired. 
• Feed yourself regularly. It’s easy enough to forget about meals when you’re busy drinking beer for lunch but your body needs something to digest other than alcohol. Drop by your local pub and ingest some questionable food choices. I suggest anything covered in cheese and bacon, personally. Hey, why not? It’s a holiday.
• Do you have to work on Monday? You don’t now. Guess what friend? You’re calling in sick. Your dog just had a baby. Your grandpa just grew a new kidney and will live to see another beer. Your hair just got stuck inside your car exhaust and you’re busy trying to reach someone who can reach your cell phone. These are all valid excuses that I give you permission to use.
• Make yourself a drinking schedule. Mimosas from 10-12, beer from 12-4, vodka from 4-8 and whiskey from 8-blackout. Cut a half hour every once in a while for water (optional).
• Whatever you do, don’t google your current blood alcohol content.

Record, RECORD, Record:

• Is your friend about to superman dive off the balcony of a kegger? Don’t talk him down, what are you thinking? Get out the highest quality piece of technology that you have on your person and record this disaster. You can call 911 afterwards. A video is worth much more than your friends safety, and might also guarantee him celebrity status for a week.
• One-eyed sleepy friend on the couch at 3 pm deserves it. Take the photo.

I don’t know about you but I’m about to start my St. Paddy’s Day alcohol consumption right this minute. Thirty hours of liver abuse awaits!

See you on the other side,

KG

Step-By-Step Unorthodox Cold Remedy

It’s that time of year again.

What am I referring to? Slush season? The time when all of the squirrels come out to rummage through our garbages? The highest proportion of shame eating pre-bikini-dieting?

Well, all of the above. But mostly I was referring to cold season.

If you’re wondering why I haven’t done a video blog in 2 or more weeks, NO – I haven’t stopped attempting to show you my face that easily. You’ll have to start writing messages in lipstick on my bathroom mirror before I’ll cease that action. My face simply looks like Rudolph the Reindeer if he developed a coke problem.

I need some Puffs with lotion action. But isn’t that the life of a broke student for you? I’m taking out my sinus frustrations on Costco 2-ply toilet paper.

I had to take a three hour train ride this weekend and let me tell you, it was more similar to Hell than the last time you ate Taco Bell. Ahhh, memories. This poor old woman had to sit beside me while I made my way through an entire purse-sized Kleenex and proceeded to blow my nose on her shoulder. Am I joking? You’ll never know.

If you’re like me, you’ve most likely suffered from this God forsaken illness in the past few weeks. If you’re close to me, it’s probably because I gave you a loving, drunk cheek-kiss or offered you some of my beverage without informing you that I was sick.

MY BAD!

To make it up to you, I’ve come up with a list of solutions to ease your sniffling and coughing pain. No, I’m not going to suggest you take Buckley’s (it tastes awful, I don’t give a fuck if it works). I’m not going to tell you to get more sleep, take Vitamin C and a steam bath. I like to treat myself using more unorthodox methods.

Are you uneasy? You should be.

First thing’s first: KG’s Cold Survival Kit

1. Whiskey
2. A shot glass
3. Lysol Wipes
4. Kleenex
5. Unscented lotion
6. Wool socks
7. Several duvets
8. A personal masseuse
9. Candles
10. Cell phone (with wifi or data capabilities)

Take these ten items and carefully bring them with you to a confined space where you can be alone for several hours without concern. If you’re one of those people who like to eat, bring a can of Alphagetti with you or something. Light some whiskey on a spoon and cook it in your room like a real caveman. This cold remedy is for tough cookies only, no pussies allowed.

Enter your cave. Lysol wipe everything. Ain’t nobody got time for dust on this healing trip.

Set your duvets up in something resembling a blanket fort. I shouldn’t have to explain why, but if you’re wondering, it’s necessary because blanket forts are awesome. Get out your shot glass and pour yourself shot number 1. Whiskey not only kills bacteria, it comes in with a badass gun wearing a dirty cowboy hat (imagine Christian Bale in 3:10 to Yuma) and shoots each individual bacterium in the heart.

You may be looking curiously at the wool socks. Put them on your feet.

It’s now time for shot number 2. Finished? Good. Chase it with your Alphagetti and invite your personal masseuse into your blanket fort.

I imagine it was probably difficult to find a masseuse that was comfortable with this set-up, so if you got him off of Craigslist and he looks homeless, feel free to either Lysol wipe him or send him on his way. Or both. If you got lucky, congrats! Massages rock.

Now with your remaining four to five hours, and cold survival ingredients, you realistically have nothing left do but take shots of whiskey and incessantly complain over social media. Even if people are scrolling past your “OMG I think I just coughed up Nicole Richie” tweets, it’s nice to believe some people are reading and caring.

But yeah, they’re probably not. Soon enough you’ll be too drunk to care anyways!

Take it sleazy,

KG